Monday, September 02, 2013

When it rains, it pours

So I did say that I didn't have any exciting escapades didn't I? Well, talk about famous last words.

In the months I gradually found myself in a bit of a... situation. The kind that I suppose leads me back to this blog as the only place where I document it freely and most of all, anonymously.

I mentioned that I've since met a few new guys... One of whom moved away. Well, he's still away but we still keep in occasional contact. Mostly it's really normal stuff but every now and then he pulls out something... stating it quite clearly that he found me very attractive and would have totally have tried to chase me...
"I should have moved faster eh. I wonder why I did (move away) sometimes. I remember you coming to the group. You sat beside some other guy... And I felt jealous. I just remember you swanning in in your black dress."
And then there's been someone else... someone who started out completely platonic but in our interactions and conversations through the months, we've just about found a best friend in each other... and also a possible interest.
"You are special. I wish I'd met you a long time ago and go on life's journey in a spaceship we built together. But I think if we get on that spaceship at our age now with all of our life experiences and knowledge, it would be truly unbelievable!"
Don't get me wrong... nothing physically has happened between me and anyone. But I guess I have found emotional support in other people other than the alpha boy especially since our relationship seemed to have taken another turn for the worse. It's not that he still isn't sweet to me or treat me well... but it's just that I can't help but think it more and more apparent that despite it all, we just aren't really all that compatible.

But sometimes it's hard to cut it off when he does a random sweet thing like pop by my office building before I head off for another one of my long trips...
"Are you in the office later? I want to pass you something. Have a safe trip and a fun time, do take care and think of me everyday. I miss you already."
And yes, I know I have to sort this out at some point...

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Thursday, May 16, 2013

No, I'm not really back...

... But every now and then I do take a walk down memory lane and even if this little blog is no longer part of my present, it's been very much an integral part of my past. I've spent plenty of time (way too much!) here sharing my thoughts, feelings and happenings and reading the same of other people I've "gotten to know" along the way. And it's still a home that I hold dear to my heart.

So why now? And why write again? And ultimately the question, what has changed since?

There must have been something that drew me back. There always was. I've come back occasionally from time to time in the last almost 1.5 years that I've remained silent, and almost always to read old entries and be reminded of a particular situation that I knew would have been documented here.

But somehow it is only now that I ever felt the need to write here again... Even if only for now.

I've since taken to penning down long excessive emails to a few selected friends, sharing my life and fulfilling a certain need to think and express myself in the written word. But the truth is, my life has gotten a lot less interesting, the way it seems to be as you grow older. Here was always a place where I only discussed my dating life and specifically kept the other aspects of my life separate. And I guess as time passed, the other aspects of my real life seemed to happen more frequently than any exciting escapades.

So where then are we all now?

My previously constant partner-in-crime, my (now ex) party girl moved back again after having left the country for 2 years. But we've stopped partying for much longer than that and have since moved onto dinner, casual drinks and early nights.

As expected, most of the guys featured here are long gone and out of contact with my only source of any information on their life being from Facebook, if at all.

I am however still working with "wayne rooney" and the last I saw him in March, we are still as "close" as ever. But we also still remain based in different country offices.

And 4 years on, the alpha boy and I are still together. There have been ups and downs and right now I'm not even quite sure if I'm on the way up or down. But well, somehow we are still hanging on and trying to make this work.

I've met a few new guys especially in the last year through work and church (as I tried to get more in touch with my spiritual side) but all truly platonic and whom I'm thankful that they have become guys that I think I could really call as friends. The most interesting thing on the guy front to have happened to me this week was having a guy tell me about how he was telling someone else that girls like me are not all that common and that  lucky he's leaving (the country) or he would probably have been chasing me. And the compliment was all that more sweet because he seemed like a genuine, decent, funny and even quite attractive bloke. Though I'm not all that sure how complimentary it is that he felt thankful that he was leaving the country haha!

Essentially I'm at the point in my life where partying, excessive drinking and making out with random guys are not just my past, but no longer of any interest to me... at all. And it's pretty much the same for my friends too. What has now occupied our time have been proper dinner catch ups and mini vacations. Our conversations have progressed from parties and the latest guy we met (though both still have their place) to career, financial planning and purchasing a home. Some of us embraced our singlehood, others our coupledom and for others both at one point or another. But we've all grown up and moved on... Together.

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Wednesday, December 21, 2011

the reason i write is...

… not really for everyone else to read, though there is a certain comfort in knowing that someone out there understands or is going through something similar. but the real reason i write is to document a portion of my life.

many things happen in life and sometimes it’s not the big decisions that you wind up making but the little things that occur along the way. different little things that seem significant enough to write bout at that time but in the end of it all may not have meant much.

my little space here doesn’t always tell the full story, it merely outlines that moment in time. my thoughts, my feelings. captured at that one moment in time. almost like confiding in a close friend who passes no judgement... you get to be irrational, impulsive, inane.

uninhibited

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Friday, December 02, 2011

we already know how this ends

it was my “turn” to pick where to go and as terrible as i usually am at deciding on where to eat, i managed to select a cosy quiet Italian place. we settled in comfortably with calamari rings, pizza, pasta, wine and beer.

i returned him his book. i went through that one really fast. not a book i particularly liked but nonetheless i found it interesting and thought provoking.

that’s what i like best bout reading. reading each new book is a fresh, engaging, thought-provoking and addictive experience that takes you on a journey… all without ever having to change your actual external environment. and i’m a kind of person who always seeks a new high. who almost needs a new high.

he passed me 2 books and then realised that he should have brought along another book that the book club were discussing in the next meeting. a meeting which I can now make due to a last minute change in my work travel plans. a meeting i was eager to make since it would be my very first book club meeting, something i’ve been wanting to attend for ages.

it was decided that would swing by his place to pick up that book. i realised that i hadn’t been to his place since 3 years ago. he has moved 3 times since, settling into this current place half a year ago.

it was a nice spacious place. i stared enthralled at his bookshelf, mentally taking note which other books i had to borrow since transporting his entire bookshelf wasn’t exactly an option.

he offered me a drink, bailey’s irish cream. tasty.

we moved to the couch where he put on some mellow music. his type of music.

he showed me a book of photos that his friend did to commemorate their group mountain climb last year. it was amazing, with fantastic, hilarious copy text. i jokingly teased bout how he looked younger back then. he responded by tickling me. like how he used to.

i asked to see his photos from his recent mountain climb. they were gorgeous, full of blue skies against the stark brown/yellow rocky road. i laughed at how his cave man look (sans shaving and showering) resembled keifer sutherland. we googled keifer sutherland. he did not agree.

we started youtubing different music and he started singing along. like how he used to.

it started getting late. wboth got up. he showed me his bedroom as proof that he could not fit in all his luggage. and then wound up standing and chatting in the wide expanse of his living room in front of his golf bag.

we talked bout golf. he’s started to get into it again. i still haven’t started. But i shared what i heard from a professional player on how your feet are positioned can subtly affect which way your ball goes.

he playfully stepped on my foot. once. twice. i finally stepped back, accidentally stepping harder than i intended to. he laughed and held my waist perhaps to steady me as stepping on his foot threw me slightly off balance.

it was just a fleeting moment. the moment soon passed. we still stood there talking. apart.

and then i decided it was time to leave. he walked me out to get a taxi home.

i know how this plays out. the song and dance. where we can do this for months and then finally giving in to kisses. but then that’s all there is. he can say that he’s ready for a steady relationship and to settle and put some roots but in reality he’s probably too busy living his fulfilled life and travelling for any of that. and it’s probably that very fulfilled life that contributes to his draw, that energy.

but all it leads to is me, 3 years later, still kinda wondering “what if” and stepping into dangerous waters.

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Sunday, November 27, 2011

the third part of the story is pretty much where it ends

for bout a week and a half since i got back, the uk guy (who i shall now nickname springer for reasons more than just the drama that's happened and that he just sprung up in my event life) were emailing practically every day.

it's been a week and half that i haven't heard from him.

for some reason i decided to find him on facebook (okay, admittedly to "stalk") and realised that 2 weeks ago he and the crazy chick became facebook friends. given that her facebook name isn't a straight-up easy guess, i'm positive that either she searched for him first or they communicated bout this at some point.

he knew that she pulled some crap on me and made it personal (motivated most probably from, though not expressly said, jealousy). not only that but he also knew that she also embellished what happened that night with him and her in her bid to serve her own purpose and attempt to make me jealous. he didn't talk to her much and supposedly thinks she's a crazy chick that we all know she is. but the truth is, he did step into her room. he did engage her in some way. and maybe it was an ego boost for him, seemingly having 2 girls interested in him.

but i've decided that i don't care.

the crazy chick is definitely suspect but i'm leaning towards thinking that springer is just as suspect.

she practically digusts me now after all that she's done (and not just this springer incident in question) and frankly i'd be happy to never have to see her again. it's a pity that she also seems to be pretty good friends with "wayne rooney" who we all know i'm rather close to.

as for springer... i don't know... i just get the gut feeling that something's wrong there... with him. he's just someone i was instantly comfy with and could chat to, we'll leave it at just that.

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Saturday, November 19, 2011

taking a page outta his book

recently he's been my library. but of 'coz there's more reasons to meeting up with the swedish guy than to simply return his book and borrow another.

conversation is effortless and engaging. we talked bout our travels, me spending the last 2 months on the road being in 3 countries for 3 events and heading to another next month and he coming back from his trekking trip to nepal. we talked extensively bout books, discussing our thoughts on the same books we've read. it was like our own 2-person book club. he's in a book club (has been since i met him) and i've always wanted to be in a book club. what better way to get the chance to be introduced to different genres of books that i would not usually pick. we talked bout relationships. we talked bout the pursuit of learning something new.

i've always been open with him but i think this time i took it another step further when i honestly told him that he's probably one of the few people i know who constantly pushes himself out of the box. to explore, to try new things and to actively do this all the time. i meant it as a compliment of the highest form.

what i didn't tell him was that in essence, it was still that energy that he possessed that was and is so captivating.

somewhere in the middle of all that conversation, i had a sudden flashback on our time "together" when we were "dating". it was strange. somehow it was all too easy to forget that at one point we did have some sort of a thing going on. and at the same time still being attracted to him as a person. it doesn't quite make sense.

we've always been able to talk bout everything but for some reason or another i almost feel like our conversations are even better now than before. then again i do feel i've changed in the last few years. i've experienced more, been more adventurous and have pushed some boundaries. and i can't say that the swedish guy didn't play a tiny part at all.

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Thursday, November 17, 2011

looks like i'll be seeing you again

in the end it wasn't too long before i did see "wayne rooney" again.

and it wasn't a trip i purposely planned either. the boss lady decided to bring a new colleague across the borders to show her more of what we do. and a few of us tagged along.

it was nice to see him, even if it was only for a while 'coz he was pretty busy running around.

we will meet and work together again on another event in a few week's time.

strange work life we have.

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