Pseudo Dating

the reason i write is...

2011-12-21T14:38:00.001+08:00

… not really for everyone else to read, though there is a certain comfort in knowing that someone out there understands or is going through something similar. but the real reason i write is to document a portion of my life.

many things happen in life and sometimes it’s not the big decisions that you wind up making but the little things that occur along the way. different little things that seem significant enough to write bout at that time but in the end of it all may not have meant much.

my little space here doesn’t always tell the full story, it merely outlines that moment in time. my thoughts, my feelings. captured at that one moment in time. almost like confiding in a close friend who passes no judgement... you get to be irrational, impulsive, inane.

uninhibited

we already know how this ends

2011-12-02T17:34:00.001+08:00

it was my “turn” to pick where to go and as terrible as i usually am at deciding on where to eat, i managed to select a cosy quiet Italian place. we settled in comfortably with calamari rings, pizza, pasta, wine and beer.

i returned him his book. i went through that one really fast. not a book i particularly liked but nonetheless i found it interesting and thought provoking.

that’s what i like best bout reading. reading each new book is a fresh, engaging, thought-provoking and addictive experience that takes you on a journey… all without ever having to change your actual external environment. and i’m a kind of person who always seeks a new high. who almost needs a new high.

he passed me 2 books and then realised that he should have brought along another book that the book club were discussing in the next meeting. a meeting which I can now make due to a last minute change in my work travel plans. a meeting i was eager to make since it would be my very first book club meeting, something i’ve been wanting to attend for ages.

it was decided that would swing by his place to pick up that book. i realised that i hadn’t been to his place since 3 years ago. he has moved 3 times since, settling into this current place half a year ago.

it was a nice spacious place. i stared enthralled at his bookshelf, mentally taking note which other books i had to borrow since transporting his entire bookshelf wasn’t exactly an option.

he offered me a drink, bailey’s irish cream. tasty.

we moved to the couch where he put on some mellow music. his type of music.

he showed me a book of photos that his friend did to commemorate their group mountain climb last year. it was amazing, with fantastic, hilarious copy text. i jokingly teased bout how he looked younger back then. he responded by tickling me. like how he used to.

i asked to see his photos from his recent mountain climb. they were gorgeous, full of blue skies against the stark brown/yellow rocky road. i laughed at how his cave man look (sans shaving and showering) resembled keifer sutherland. we googled keifer sutherland. he did not agree.

we started youtubing different music and he started singing along. like how he used to.

it started getting late. wboth got up. he showed me his bedroom as proof that he could not fit in all his luggage. and then wound up standing and chatting in the wide expanse of his living room in front of his golf bag.

we talked bout golf. he’s started to get into it again. i still haven’t started. But i shared what i heard from a professional player on how your feet are positioned can subtly affect which way your ball goes.

he playfully stepped on my foot. once. twice. i finally stepped back, accidentally stepping harder than i intended to. he laughed and held my waist perhaps to steady me as stepping on his foot threw me slightly off balance.

it was just a fleeting moment. the moment soon passed. we still stood there talking. apart.

and then i decided it was time to leave. he walked me out to get a taxi home.

i know how this plays out. the song and dance. where we can do this for months and then finally giving in to kisses. but then that’s all there is. he can say that he’s ready for a steady relationship and to settle and put some roots but in reality he’s probably too busy living his fulfilled life and travelling for any of that. and it’s probably that very fulfilled life that contributes to his draw, that energy.

but all it leads to is me, 3 years later, still kinda wondering “what if” and stepping into dangerous waters.

the third part of the story is pretty much where it ends

2011-11-27T01:24:00.001+08:00

for bout a week and a half since i got back, the uk guy (who i shall now nickname springer for reasons more than just the drama that's happened and that he just sprung up in my event life) were emailing practically every day.

it's been a week and half that i haven't heard from him.

for some reason i decided to find him on facebook (okay, admittedly to "stalk") and realised that 2 weeks ago he and the crazy chick became facebook friends. given that her facebook name isn't a straight-up easy guess, i'm positive that either she searched for him first or they communicated bout this at some point.

he knew that she pulled some crap on me and made it personal (motivated most probably from, though not expressly said, jealousy). not only that but he also knew that she also embellished what happened that night with him and her in her bid to serve her own purpose and attempt to make me jealous. he didn't talk to her much and supposedly thinks she's a crazy chick that we all know she is. but the truth is, he did step into her room. he did engage her in some way. and maybe it was an ego boost for him, seemingly having 2 girls interested in him.

but i've decided that i don't care.

the crazy chick is definitely suspect but i'm leaning towards thinking that springer is just as suspect.

she practically digusts me now after all that she's done (and not just this springer incident in question) and frankly i'd be happy to never have to see her again. it's a pity that she also seems to be pretty good friends with "wayne rooney" who we all know i'm rather close to.

as for springer... i don't know... i just get the gut feeling that something's wrong there... with him. he's just someone i was instantly comfy with and could chat to, we'll leave it at just that.

taking a page outta his book

2011-11-19T21:55:00.001+08:00

recently he's been my library. but of 'coz there's more reasons to meeting up with the swedish guy than to simply return his book and borrow another.

conversation is effortless and engaging. we talked bout our travels, me spending the last 2 months on the road being in 3 countries for 3 events and heading to another next month and he coming back from his trekking trip to nepal. we talked extensively bout books, discussing our thoughts on the same books we've read. it was like our own 2-person book club. he's in a book club (has been since i met him) and i've always wanted to be in a book club. what better way to get the chance to be introduced to different genres of books that i would not usually pick. we talked bout relationships. we talked bout the pursuit of learning something new.

i've always been open with him but i think this time i took it another step further when i honestly told him that he's probably one of the few people i know who constantly pushes himself out of the box. to explore, to try new things and to actively do this all the time. i meant it as a compliment of the highest form.

what i didn't tell him was that in essence, it was still that energy that he possessed that was and is so captivating.

somewhere in the middle of all that conversation, i had a sudden flashback on our time "together" when we were "dating". it was strange. somehow it was all too easy to forget that at one point we did have some sort of a thing going on. and at the same time still being attracted to him as a person. it doesn't quite make sense.

we've always been able to talk bout everything but for some reason or another i almost feel like our conversations are even better now than before. then again i do feel i've changed in the last few years. i've experienced more, been more adventurous and have pushed some boundaries. and i can't say that the swedish guy didn't play a tiny part at all.

looks like i'll be seeing you again

2011-11-17T12:58:00.001+08:00

in the end it wasn't too long before i did see "wayne rooney" again.

and it wasn't a trip i purposely planned either. the boss lady decided to bring a new colleague across the borders to show her more of what we do. and a few of us tagged along.

it was nice to see him, even if it was only for a while 'coz he was pretty busy running around.

we will meet and work together again on another event in a few week's time.

strange work life we have.

the night after the morning after

2011-11-16T19:57:00.003+08:00

two nights later i walked into the hotel bar. for the last week, the hotel bar was our home away from home. the place where after each day you’d be almost guaranteed to see familiar faces as you walk in.

it was the last day. the big one. i expected it to be.

so i walk in and see the boss lady chatting with the UK guy. i stop by and say hi. he seemed slightly awkward and moved away soon after. my boss lady confided in me that one of the first things he did was to ask her where i was. and then ‘coz the crazy chick and i have similar names she was confused for a minute if he meant me or her. he meant me. but that opened up the topic for my boss lady to ask him about the crazy chick… and that night.

he seemed awkward around me for most of the night. almost purposely not coming over to chat when he would have done so all previous nights before.

it’s all long and complicated but eventually the boss lady, the UK guy and i all manage to sit down and chat and the infamous topic was brought up again. the story went like this…

the crazy chick asked him to walk her to her room. he obliged admittedly ‘coz he thought she was cute. she asked him in saying that they could check out facebook together. he thought it was a bit strange but he stepped in anyway. and a few minutes later just thought it was really odd and left.

she however made it sound as though it was all his idea. and that they hung out in her room for a quite a while such that she wanted him to leave ‘coz she wanted to shower and sleep. like he was trying to overstay his welcome.

with that i knew in an instance what she was really like. and i didn’t like it. and i can’t shake it off. things will always be different between us now (though we were never really close to begin with). but after this, things just got a bit personal.

the rest of the night went pretty well though. i had a wonderful time singing karaoke with everyone. and the UK guy and i even managed to chat a bit here and there one on one. he still stood really closely. and the boss lady is still convinced that he likes me.

i don’t know. mostly it just feels like we're friends. we’ve been emailing for the last week. the good thing bout us marketing/PR folks is that we’re pretty eloquent in the written word.

the morning after

2011-11-14T17:20:00.001+08:00

i’ve always felt funny around her, like there was something in our personalities that just didn’t enable us to click. there wasn’t any chemistry and conversations would just sound forced.

in my mind she’s just the crazy chick. the one who gets drunk half the time before anyone else is even remotely there, the one who threw up on our temporary onsite office ‘coz she drank too much with clients and inconvenienced everyone else who had to clean up the mess and send her home after a long days and nights of working. the one who seeks validation from guys and somehow manages to get all the guys proposing and being interested, the one who proudly proclaims that all her boyfriends have been stolen from other girls and that she even dated her best friend’s boyfriend.

right from the start i could tell she viewed me as competition for the UK guy who we met in the last event nevermind that no one is actually available. i met him first and we were already at the comfy chatting stage when she met him. so when she noticed that we were always chatting she told my boss lady that she thought that i liked him. my boss lady (who will always be on my side) replied that well, he’s cute which is undeniable to begin with.

she must have continued to notice that for the most part he actually comes up to me. case in point when right in front of everyone else, he once walked up closely behind me and poked me, bought me a drink and we started chatting bout everything under the sun all the while standing pretty closely even asking me why i didn’t come and look for him when i was onsite briefly that day. as is the case with everyone hanging at the bar, everyone moves around chatting with everyone else and one by one people start to do their disappearing act. after a while i noticed that he had disappeared while i was engaged in conversations with a group.

the next morning at the breakfast table i saw the crazy chick who then specifically told me that the UK guy went to her room the night before to watch tv at 2am and he was trying to convince her to come back down to the bar.

that was strange. the whole thing is strange.

he’s quite obviously never been interested in her. he doesn’t come up and chat to her and even says things to me that he thinks her tattoos are cheesy. and he actually seems like a nice fairly decent guy.

the boss lady is convinced that she initiated it. and really who knows what she may or may not have embellished. but the boss lady’s first thought also ran to the high suspicion that she probably did it (from the initiation to telling me the day after) as a dig at me. she’s just a crazy chick and i think this stunt she pulled further reduced my impression of her.

the boss lady suggested that i ask him what happened that night with the crazy chick.

i didn’t… but the boss lady did…

when will i see you again?

2011-11-10T17:13:00.004+08:00

in the work that i do, it’s all too common to have fleeting moments with different people. we all walk in, frequently from different countries, spend too many hours in a day working together closely on a particular event and then one by one we go our separate ways.

it’s awesome as you walk into a brand new project and see familiar faces and hugs go around. sometimes you meet brand new people and you find out more with each conversation or late night dinner and drinks.

like this guy from UK who i’ve initially had some email correspondence with and who i honestly thought was a girl until i met him. a very attractive man indeed. and somehow we just clicked instantly. i had known some others in his office for 3 years but still could not hold a comfortable conversation with ‘em but with him? it just flowed. there seemed to be a fair bit of mutual attraction. the way his eyes always found mine when either of us walked into a roomful of others. of ‘coz he has a girlfriend. they all do.

the work can be tough and often immensely tiring. the end of the event always brings bout bittersweet feelings. on one hand you’re glad it’s over and done. but the leaving? the leaving is always the hardest. especially with people who you’ve build such bonds with through the years.

he: so when will we meet again?
me: i don’t know…
he: are you coming down to *insert state/country of his next event*
me: i’m not sure yet
he: you should try to
me: yeah maybe I would

with that “wayne rooney” stretched his arms wide open and i moved into them with open arms. we hugged. our usual big, tight, long hugs. and then he got into the car and left bound for the airport.

and strangely i felt more emotional than i might normally feel bout it all.

i think in the last year we have gotten closer as co-workers and friends. there is just such a sense of familiarity and comfort level with him and the ability to talk bout anything at all, at all times.

he wasn’t even on this project but as his project located a mere half hour away ended a week ago, he came round to join us for a few days. we spent a week apart in different countries on different events after the month we had on the same project ended. but somehow that week felt so long and the month felt so short.

and realistically, it could be very well be months before we might meet again.

that is my life.

maybe it's apparent to everybody else...

2011-10-15T17:54:00.001+08:00

... or perhaps it’s just been the close environment that we’ve been working in especially for the last month but recently i’ve suddenly found myself at the receiving end of questions pertaining to the obvious chemistry that “wayne rooney” and i have.

i never thought that he ever felt anything, maybe at most some hint of possibility, but never really close to anything more concrete. until during one recent drinking session where he jokingly told me that around 3 years ago when we first met and subsequently partied together, he was hitting on me.

i was utterly surprised. i never ever thought he had ever tried to hit on me. i do however remember though that even back then i wondered if there was something there ‘coz it always seemed like it in the way we looked at each other, maybe even so right now, with that certain familiar fondness. but then again i was probably more into cutie aussie colleague at that point in the past and didn’t think too much of a new brit guy who is 6 years my junior.

recently the boss lady randomly shared with me her surprise that sparks hasn’t properly flown yet between him and i given that she thought we got along very well together and were actually very well matched. and then there was the other colleague who announced to everyone that she thought that he and i were attracted to each other.

they might not be entirely wrong.

the chemistry is undeniable and we definitely do get along fantastic, professionally and personally. and a host of other reasons why somehow in a way we are pretty well matched. and i guess if i was being honest, there is also a fair amount of attraction that also seems to be mutual.

but i think that’s all it is and all it probably will ever be.

we're just flying by the seat of our pants

2011-09-26T18:09:00.001+08:00

the road trip was amazing... and frankly quite crazy. effectively we drove for close to 11 hours back and forth in one day!

it was a spontaneous adventure of a road trip where we just set off without a map or gps but just simply a rough idea of where to go. we made decisions on where to go and what to do on the spot. and it was exhilarating.

"wayne rooney" and i didn't kill each other. in fact we had a pretty good time. it was all laughs and chats and of 'coz the natural quiet silence due to fatigue by the time we were on the way back. but in general it was all good.

and all good is how i would have described the entire weekend.

home away from home

2011-09-23T16:06:00.002+08:00

it's the time during my season of work where i move to be based in another nearby location and have the craziest busiest time of work. this year my boss wanted me to move up earlier and so i moved almost a week ago. and thankfully it hasn't gotten crazy busy yet. so what i've been having so far has pretty much been fun.

sometimes i relish being somewhere else. away from it all, from everyone. where the only thing i have to be concerned with is work... and where to have dinner and drinks. it's always fun with my colleagues, where "wayne rooney" is one of them. we all know how fantastic we get along. in fact we're thinking of doing a day road trip this weekend to do a passport run. a day stuck in the car with him? we might kill each other... or we might get along like a house on fire!

i've also ventured into being social outside of work... the swedish guy had a business trip right where i was and last night we decided to meet up. we went to a pretty good spanish place that i like (i do like my tapas!) where i tried a new beer (tasty!) and then we proceeded to try this new popular bar where we had 2 different mojitos each. there were so many different mojitos flavors that it was a shame we couldn't work our way down the list.

and then there was the conversations. we talked bout books, new year resolutions, travelling, chinese horroscope, the difference between 9/11 and the hiroshima bombing, human nature and everything else under the sun. it was all very engaging and i knew i wasn't the only one who loved our meeting up, in a foreign place no less!

i may also try and catch the serial dater stud/slut at some point as well as he's on a business trip here too. but of 'coz he presently has one of his girls from this place shacking up with him in his hotel. the slut. haha!

and to top it off, despite rubbish internet connections, the guinea pig has still been bbming me every morning and night. nothing much is actually being said but i just get the feeling he's feeling lonely over there with nothing much to do.

i think despite being away from home, i'm still doing relatively well.

and this wraps up the last 2+ weeks

2011-09-18T17:13:00.001+08:00

i think part of the reason i have been up for meeting up with the guinea pig as much as i have is 'coz he was in fact going to leave to work overseas today. so when he asked me out again for drinks on thursday, i agreed 'coz i knew that that would be last time i would see him, at least in a while.

we went back to our new favorite mixologist bar and had a lovely time. i have to say i'm loving that place more and more and the wonderful and friendly bartenders. if only it didn't cost that much for a drink.

we definitely get along. he himself said that he enjoyed my company and also added that he thought i'm quirky which of 'coz is stating the obvious since my very blog url states that i'm quirky. and if i had a dollar everytime someone has told me that, i'd be rich. but i think there's just something bout both our quirky personalities that works.

but he's not interested. a guy who is interested wouldn't tell me that the mixologist bar is a pretty good place to pick up girls. then again maybe a guy who isn't interested wouldn't tell me that i'm pretty. who knows anymore.

we then headed to the hole-in-the-wall bar where he was meeting up with his other friends and i knew the other jo would be there with her friends, one of them was the one who made out with the guinea pig and played him. i'm sure this girl is nice and all but honestly not all that good looking but according to the other jo she keeps saying bout how all these guys are into her. i don't know who those other guys are but i do know the guinea pig and well, i was a bit disappointed in his taste.

but of 'coz i don't really know him. i've only known him for 2 weeks. we just happened to have met up quite a few time in these 2 weeks. he said that he'll miss me 'coz he thinks we kinda just click. and the truth is, we do kinda just click. and a part of me misses him and hoped that i got to know him better than just these 2 weeks in order for a stronger base of friendship.

but he's gone. and things will change.

they don't call it a crackberry for nothing

2011-09-15T14:54:00.001+08:00

as part of my slave duties at my job, i was given a blackberry. other than feverishly typing out emails, i'm also known to be tap tap tapping away at this wonderful thing called blackberry messenger.

i'm sure there are other wonderful apps out there but since the super powers-that-be that is our IT has firewalled everything, i'm unable to enjoy any of those said wonderful apps out there. so i go back to the ole trusty blackberry messenger.

i don't have much friends on my list, bout 2 friends, 2 clients and some other colleagues. but when "wayne rooney" and i start to bbm, i don't really need to bbm anyone else at all.

it's pretty insane, how we both go at it from across the miles. we bbm as we both watch the same sporting matches sometimes supporting the same team and other times not. he's also taken to bbming me whenever he's out and we've had several such bbms. it's amazing no one wonders why he's busy bbming instead of doing other things, then again, he's a multitasker.

and the conversations that we have are so delightfully inane that it's fun. we have even coined up our own acronym to express shock which we've since been using. conversations are just so easy. it's effortless rapport.

and there's a dose of that with the guinea pig as well. he and i also bbm each other fairly regularly. it's relatively good conversation at times though nowhere near as what "wayne rooney" and i get up to.

but despite all that, i'm being reminded of the reality that if either of us leaves the company (in "wayne rooney"'s case) or the country (as is the case with the guinea pig), it may not be the same. it's happened too much in my life before. and as much as i hate drifting apart from any friend, that harsh reality is well, very real. i guess i just have to enjoy it while i can.

are you going to church or to search?

2011-09-14T16:18:00.001+08:00

i've always noticed him. usually sitting a few pews diagonally behind me. our eyes have met before and they have even glimmered with a faint tinge of mutual interest in previous times but we never maintained eye contact, seeking instead to pretend like the other person wasn't there.

each week i subconsciously looked out for him. not that i could miss him. it would be hard not to notice him... tall, nicely built with all lean muscles and generally looking pretty darn cute.

this week he sat diagonally in front of me. when we were asked to greet everyone around, he turned round shaking hands with those seated near to me. he started to reach over to me... and subsequently dropped his bottled water with a thud on the floor as it rolled around. he seemed slightly embarrassed, treating us with sheepish smiles all round.

and it was in the smile where he suddenly reminded me of a crush i had in my mid teen years as well as someone, the one i crushed on for forever. i guess some things don't change. that kind of smile still gets me...

so so so scandalous

2011-09-13T16:18:00.002+08:00

there's so much that sometimes you never really know bout someone... until you find out from someone else.

i was wondering if i should tell the other jo that i met up with the guinea pig (even though it was all platonic). somehow i just didn't want her to feel like i "stole" her friend though deep down i know she wouldn't think that at all. in the end i came clean. and what came out was a bunch of interesting stories in an even more interesting conversation.

the other jo: did he try to hit on you?
jo: er... no. told you he wasn't interested. and if he was trying to hit on me then it's bad and i can't tell haha!
the other jo: well he hit on my other friend haha. these men are all desperate.
jo: hahaha! what did he do?
the other jo: he kissed my friend, and made out with her. badddd
jo: hahaha! on the first date? scandalous. so then what did your friend do?
the other jo: i don't think it was a date. he just walked her back to the car.
jo: so what's her response? good?
the other jo: haha, she didn't kiss back. so it was just a peck in the end. but she made out with him the next day. she doesn't like him though. so scandalous! hahaha!
jo: hahaha! even more scandalous! so then what happened after that? oh man i love stories.
the other jo: nothing happened. no sex. he tried booty calling her i think hahaha
jo: hahaha! omg men!!
the other jo: but she was playing him on request of her friend who was played by him. omg these people are so weird!
jo: what the. haha!
the other jo: btw i saw his profile on match :)
jo: hahaha! what's his profile name? and tell me bout your friend's friend who got played
the other jo: didn't hear much. it's a friend of a friend of a friend who got played. i think he's *insert name of the guinea pig's profile on match*
jo: pity you don't have the story there
the other jo: i don't know but he played her. but i know he is also desperate. my friend is a player but she's now being played by another guy too
the other jo: omg this whole dating thing is messed up

and i rest my case.

dating really is messed up. there's a whole bunch of really strange things going on out there that in the end is ultimately just plain exhausting.

*disclaimer: i don't really think the making out was all that scandalous per se. people have been known to make out on the first date or even before there's any date or even if there's no date ever. i have been one of those such people :) the whole point of this was just to say how difficult dating is when you don't know what the other person is really and truly feeling.

**fyi: and of 'coz i checked out his match profile haha! interesting how as a 31 year old man, he's looking for someone within the age range of 22 - 28. maybe it's just me but a 31 year old looking for a 22 year old is a wee bit gross for me. add that to the growing list of why he can't be interested in me, i'm his age, hence too old. pfft.

***btw: the guinea pig was intending to be around my workplace and so we planned to meet for lunch. and to quote the message that he sent right after, lunch was fun. we had serious conversations and hilarious conversations that actually made me laugh till i cried. good time.

all the reasons why we're just friends

2011-09-12T11:27:00.007+08:00

over the weekend the guinea pig and i decided to catch up for an impromptu movie together. since it was the first time it would be just us and no alcohol involved, i decided to conduct further observations.

and my conclusion was just as i initially thought, he can't be interested in me. and here are the reasons why:

we went dutch

he was very independent, heading to order his food or paying for his drink, all without checking in on me

he has many many female friends who he contacts all the time

he was messaging some of them during the movie (at least that's what i assume 'coz really who messages a guy friend that much during a movie?)

he commented bout how one of the girls in the movie was cute

he said bout how he thought we would be very very good friends

we went our separate ways, he took a taxi back and i took the bus but he didn't walk me to my bus stop

he did not attempt to kiss me (like he successfully did with the other jo's friend)

but we do get along. ultimately i think we have potential... to be good friends. and since i don't have a whole lot of that, it's always nice to have guy friends.

something different

2011-09-09T12:56:00.000+08:00

it's been quite a week, or rather 2 weeks. it started with my meeting up with swedish guy... and for the rest of that week i was being an uber social butterfly. i did plenty of new things with friends like early morning breakfast at a quaint place, drinks by a mixologist type of bartender in my now new favorite bar, tapas and white wine sangria in what was touted as one of the best tapas places in my area. it was in the tapas place that i also met some new people, including this guy...

we hit it off instantly. i get the feeling that he's like that with everyone. you know how in the tv series drop dead diva, one of owen's friends asks jane is she's a FOO, a friend of owen? that's kinda how i felt with this guy. he's a guinea pig (as what owen called himself), put him together with others and they are instant best buds. right at the tapas dinner, he declared that he would add me on facebook and i honestly didn't think too much of it. the next day he did and we then proceeded to exchange numbers. it's been a week since that tapas night and he's been texting me every day since.

it's no long text conversations, just bits and bobs and mostly bout nothing at all but somehow the other jo who introduced us to begin with (and who had no knowledge that we've been texting each other) asked me after a few days if there was something going on between he and me.

there isn't. he's a guinea pig. but she seemed to think that he might be interested. i guess i can see why she would think that but i'm not sure that's the case.

earlier in the week he asked us out days in advance to join some other couch surfing friends at a hole-in-the-wall bar they always frequent. i had been meaning to join the other jo there one day so i happily agreed. the three of us decided to meet up for drinks at the mixologist bar first.

it was a great night. we were chatting with the mixologist bartender, trying some really different and tasty drinks. and then we headed to the hole-in-the-wall bar. i must admit that after what the other jo said, i decided to observe the guinea pig in his natural habitat a lil more closely.

he really is a friendly guy. sure he may text me but i know he texts a whole lot of other girls as well. he's quite huggy veggy with everyone. but yet seems quite decent and gentlemanly. he pulled out chairs and made sure i was okay when i looked bored while talking to a french guy (while still socialising with everyone, as was i). he was only slightly touchy in a friendly and appropriate way when he hugged me (like he did with everyone), ruffled my hair every now and then (like he did to some others), touched my knee or flicked my chin. but honestly i can't quite tell if he's interested. he could just be like that. besides he is leaving soon to work overseas for 2 years.

for some reason all this started to make me think more than i normally would. i guess the truth is that i also started to find him quite attractive with his great smile and delightful dimples. and more than that, i found his social and friendly nature a refreshing change. and i find myself looking forward to meeting him, even though we only have a week more before he leaves.

something new

2011-08-31T12:19:00.002+08:00

i'm a pretty avid reader, almost nothing makes me happier or more excited than finding a new book that i really want to read. while i love my usual genre of books, i also like to try new things and new genres.

one of the topics that the swedish guy and i have always discussed were books. right when we first "started" even till now when we're not exactly in contact and yet not exactly totally out of contact either.

months ago we talked bout meeting up and months later, recently, he texted me out of the blue. this time we actually locked down a day to meet where the intention was for him to pass me a book he recommended written by last year's nobel prize winner in literature.

i admit i was a lil nervous bout meeting him. it's been so long. what happens if it's just awkward?

and frankly, initially it was. until we got into our usual swing of things. then it was full on laughs and joking where i remembered and admired that amazing zest of life that he has. we went from dinner to drinks (at a quaint pub dubbed as the oldest english bar which i've been before but forgot all bout), chatting the whole way through bout books, travelling, new places local and overseas to go, movies and work. through it all, i tried new things, such as a restaurant i meant to go to (he had planned to bring me to another one but it happened to be closed so we just rolled with it and headed somewhere else nearby) and a few different beers (some of which i really liked).

i had a fabulous time. i came back home feeling energised and alive.

i've been thinking more again bout my current relationship. there are very good traits that the alpha boy possess, the most important being that he really does love me and truthfully i do love him too, but i'm wondering if it's enough.

i realise that what's lacking is mental stimulation, excitement, that zest for life. all of which i get outside when i'm with my other friends. which is probably why i relish my time with them, away from the alpha boy where topics of conversation involve more than just talking bout how tough work is, where i learn bout different things and get to try different things. i understand why the alpha boy isn't all those things but i still can't help but find him leaning towards the side of being too anti social / awkward in social situations, not being open enough and not exposed enough to life and other things out there for my liking. even my parents (who don't dislike the alpha boy per se) admit that they think i could do better.

but i don't know. isn't the whole idea supposed to be to find someone who actually truly loves you?

so what does this all mean?

2011-08-22T18:48:00.000+08:00

it's crazy. i know that i work very closely with him and we're quite friendly and all but why can't i seem to stop romantically dreaming bout "wayne rooney"??

i've been dreaming bout him so much that i had to look it up. apparently it's nothing to get too worried bout, it just means that i see qualities in him that i value in a partner.

i guess that makes sense. afterall i do think he's an excellent conversationalist and we have fantastic conversation be it in person or via email. he's a fun and exciting guy and yet decent and not one of those slutty types. we have a fair bit in common and simply put, we just get along really easily.

but it's still strange when it seems like my dreams are getting increasingly more vivid and detailed in some parts (and no! not those parts, getyourmindouttathegutter haha!)... and where i'm not exactly fighting it in my dreams either...

third time's a charm?

2011-08-17T13:18:00.000+08:00

after the third year in a row, i'm starting to think that birthdays with the alpha boy are set up to be a disappointment.

it's not that we don't celebrate at all, 'coz thank goodness we do or else i'd be a heck of a lot more pissed off, but my beef is that when my actual birthday comes round, it's like any other day, nothing happens.

from having to ask for a proper kiss in 2009, to no plans and going dutch in 2010, to this year, yesterday in fact... where there was once again no plan, no flowers and omg no gift.

his excuse? "you do know that i'm busy right?", were his exact words that incidentally he's been using way too much. of which i'm beginning to increasingly not appreciate it as it just sounds condescending.

by saturday he still didn't know what to get and so i essentially just told him what he could get. okay so he came over to my place on sunday, but then there was monday where he went out with his friends for a movie and then there was tuesday, the actual day, where he essentially walked past the shop while on the way to meet me. i asked for a perfume, he could have got that freaking anywhere.

and then there were the promises of flowers delivered to my office which weren't met. he might as well not have told me at all. 'coz wow, it's as though florists don't do deliveries, deliveries that you can actually call up to order days prior. 'coz you never know, you might wind up to be busy on the actual day right?

there are just all these things. and others such as prior conversations on engagement rings where he seemed almost outraged and surprised that they would cost that much and people would even pay that much. the amount he wanted to pay was the amount my dad paid for my mom's engagement ring over 33 years ago. think bout the inflation since. and i'm not even a diamond kinda girl, the only one thing i would have asked for was a proper engagement ring 'coz i'm also not the girl who needs to get married immediately. i can definitely wait. i don't have a biological clock, i still want to focus on my career, i feel like marriage would bring bout too much responsibilities that i'm not prepared to handle for at least the next few years.

and then there are the conversations which we have, if you can even call it that. where 95% of the time we (or rather he) talks bout how he needs to do better at work. i get it, his work is stressful and he's trying. i value that. but sometimes i wanna talk bout something else. and not have him change the topic to something else when i start a topic. that's not a conversation and i've mentioned to him before. i want that effortless conversation where it just flows. the way it does with "wayne rooney", the way it did with the swedish guy. it's not to say that i don't have perfectly lovely conversations with him, it's just that it's few and far between.

all these just surfaced last night as i was talking to my mom.

but yet the alpha boy isn't all that bad. i know he loves me. and occasionally he does remember certain things i've said...

which is why today i got a call from him asking me out for lunch and with him appearing with 8 long stemmed red roses (albeit wrapped in a plastic bag because it was literally bought from a market due to a lack of florists around the area) and my present.

okay i'm letting him out of the doghouse.

today marks the date that i've been an adult for 10 years

2011-08-16T15:16:00.002+08:00

it's kinda weird turning 31, like what i'm doing today. then again i suppose it's weird turning any age. you wonder how did time past that quickly and where did all that time go 'coz you're... omg... aging!

it's a big step when you turn 30 but when you turn 31, it's like the door slams right behind you and you know it's for real, you're in your 30s. of 'coz i said that bout my 20s too... a decade ago. omg... i'm aging! you know what i mean...

the only good thing seems to be the birthday celebrations. though as the years go by it seems that birthday celebrations get more and more sedate. i used to have full on celebrations drinking too much and partying too hard. but now i drink in relative moderation and laugh at someone else making out in the club or dancing too seductively. it's strange.

that's pretty much what happened on friday night. the bestie and her sister were in town and together with another mutual friend, the 4 of us girls went out to paint the town... a pale shade of pink.

sure we barhopped... starting off with a martini in one, then a beer in another, then (omg!) 2 vodkas (there was a one for one promotion) in yet another before finally settling in a club with another vodka where i also added a whisky for old (eeps i'm old!) times sake and in a desperate bid to locate my mojojo which has forsaken me a long time ago. why did i bother 'coz apparently, a lightweight, i'm still not. i was still pretty darn sober by the time all that was done. though to be fair it was in the course of 8 hours. but hey, i was out for 8 hours till later wee hours than i've ever seen in a very long time so that's already some kind of feat on it's own.

but i did have fun. laughing at everyone else having a wild time. and then there were the crazy text conversations with "wayne rooney" who is all the way in another country (okay so really it's just an hour's flight away) having drinks with some people and having his night quickly turn from an easy 2-drink night to a 5-beer-and-3-mojitos-night. of 'coz he only started texting me when the drinks were done and dusted (and downed). i love tipsy texts. and we had a right laugh on monday when he texted again to say that he had just re-read our conversation. good times.

a lot of friday night's and monday's text conversation was him telling me that i should fly 5 hours to celebrate his birthday (which is exactly a month away from mine) with his friends as he heads back to the homeside to mark his 25th birthday. oh to be that young... but admitedly it would be fun though... i've partied with him often enough to know that he's a lot of fun and he's also a decent fella who i feel safe with. i would have considered this a lot more if i didn't already shell out a fairly huge sum for my long 2.5 week vacation last month. is that part of growing up (i.e. old) too? darn!

the rest of my birthday celebrations were even more sedate. the alpha boy and i went out for a drink and dinner on saturday. simple, easy. it was a good time. and my family celebrated for me on sunday.

and here i am today... on the actual day... at work... oh joy.

it's just that it's been so long...

2011-08-10T14:33:00.000+08:00

i had lunch with the family and settled into a nearby hotel lobby to dial in for a work conference call despite it not being a work day.

i was half way through what was quickly becoming a rather long call when the alpha boy plonked down beside me as we had arranged to meet. people seated around the hotel lobby moved up and down. and i noticed in particular one oldish looking gentleman being particularly mobile, occassionally seated down diagonally across from me and other times disappearing behind me presumably to the other part of the hotel.

he was gone seemingly for good by the time i finished my call. the alpha boy then informed me that that guy was giving him the evil eye. i was confused. apparently that guy wanted to chat me up.

"but i was on the phone the entire time", i protested, perplexed. you have to understand that it's been a really long while someone has wanted to chat me up, it's almost like i don't read the signs anymore. it's quite sad really.

"he was probably waiting for you to get off the phone", the alpha boy explains. and suddenly it kinda makes sense why he kept sitting down and getting up.

of 'coz the alpha boy returned his evil eye with an more evil eye of his own which can be pretty darn scary. maybe that's why the guy left for good.

i wonder what might have happened if the alpha boy wasn't there. would that guy really have chatted me up? what would he have said?

the draft series: jul 2007

2011-08-04T12:00:00.002+08:00

****

original date: 20 jul 2007
title: story of a girl...
tag: insights into jo

my best friend is immensely happy.

and really why wouldn't she be? her new boyfriend has been really sweet, caring and spoiling her to bits. and yes, as part of best friend priviledges, i get to hear a fair bit of mush and gush as well.
i'm happy for her. really and truly. but at the risk of sounding like some bitter person, i admit that it does make me wonder if that kind of happiness is possible for me.

so let me tell you bout my parents...

they've been married for 29 years. happily married. very happily married. they used to work near each other and if their schedules permitted, would have lunch together everyday. now they don't lunch together but they still call and text each other lovey dovey messages everyday. it's quite gross actually haha!

that said, my mom does often have her own plans with her friends. my dad will always pick her up. always. it doesn't matter how late or how far. and he never complains either.

my dad is romantic and always willing to spend money on my mom. in fact they pull their finances together. and he will never stop my mom from spending any money though my mom is also wise enough in her spending.

they always have loads to say to each other. they can be in each other's company for a whole day and still find things to talk bout till late in the night. they always say that if they can relive their lives all over again, they will still choose each other as their spouse.

and that's the kind of family i grew up in.

a very well adjusted and loving family. a family where i see my parents being truly happy.

which is why i know that i would find it hard to adjust if my own relationship with my future spouse was anything less. 'coz i know that that kind of relationship does exist out there. that it is possible. maybe that explains my certain level of (really, it's not that high) expectations.

i just want what my parents have.

****

i find myself thinking yet again that it seems so applicable for me bring up this previously draft post at this time. my supposed best friend ('coz we've drifted and it doesn't feel like we're best friends anymore) is back in town for a short vacation and she just mentioned bout how she just passed the 4 year mark with her boyfriend. so yes, that would be the same boyfriend as the new boyfriend in the previously draft post. it's nice to see that they are still going strong.

so what bout me? reading back on this, i think i've almost found what my parents have. the alpha boy does treat me really well. he contacts me everyday, sometimes with lovey dovey messages. and while we're mostly quite independent of each other financially, he doesn't mind paying for me. so maybe most other girls' boyfriends spend more money on their girlfriends. but i'm fairly understanding that this isn't always the case 'coz the alpha boy (by virtue that he is younger and had to deal with some career knocks) is just starting to get his footing in the working world.

the only thing is that sometimes i don't think we have heaps to say to each other. i guess at some point things do get mundane. the topics you talk bout usually involve work and daily happenings. the mystery and excitement of finding out more and more bout the other person gets stale as you do find out more and more. add to that the fact that strangely enough, i'm quite private and don't always like to talk. but what i do need at times is excitement, that certain high. and i don't always have it.

but i've also learnt something quite a while back. and that is it's not realistic to want what someone else has 'coz you're not that someone and what they have might not be what's best for you. i guess it's the feeling that i want. and all things considering, i'm not in too bad a place.

i think i have an office crush...

2011-08-02T10:18:00.001+08:00

... and it's strange 'coz i've known him for 3 years. and while i can't deny that we probably always had natural chemistry, i never remotely thought i might fancy him. not even bout a year ago when i realised that i adored him as a friend.

for as long as i've been with the company, we've worked on the same projects. it was only a year ago when we started working together more closely and recently, even more so. he was never based in the local office where i worked in and even though he's supposedly based there now, he's always travelling long term and isn't really there. except that since we're currently working very closely on an upcoming project, this means that we do spend a fair bit of time together.

somehow it just naturally works. the 2 of us together. we're great together at work and personally as well. conversation just flows. and you know how i'm such a huge sucker for conversations and effortless rapport of which we have heaps of both.

we're both avid readers, love the same movies and have a certain amount of similarities that it's just so easy to have a lively conversation and tease each other with our similar style of dry humor and wit (of which he admits that it's rare to find someone with my kind of humor). i do enjoy taking the mickey outta people i get along well with. it also helps that he's one person who can talk bout anything under the sun and is full of random information. those who know me well know that i relish in random information.

but of 'coz all this is wildly inappropriate. i mean first of all, i'm attached (though i still maintain, not dead). second of all, he's my co-worker (though that might not actually be too much of a problem in our company). and third of all, he's a whopping 6 years younger...and with his birthday being in september and the youngest one being born in may, this means that he's even younger than the youngest one!

and yet i find myself dreaming of him. literally. it's strange 'coz i can't tell if it's 'coz i work too closely and spend too much time with him. or if it's 'coz he means a lot to me as a friend. or if i just straight up somehow unknowingly along the way recently developed a crush on "wayne rooney".

the draft series: feb 2007

2011-07-28T16:08:00.002+08:00

****

original date: 22 feb 2007
title: growing up
tag: insights into jo

i've known my best friend all my life. in fact our moms have been friends since they 'emselves were young. we were kinda just thrown together as itty bitty kids and somehow managed to keep the friendship going thus far.

so for the last over month my best friend has been back home 'coz she was depressed over a guy she liked. we've met up a couple of times but since mostly it was in a big group, we only got a chance to talk proper once. since she's leaving this weekend, last night was the only chance we got to catch up proper once more.

it was definitely a good time. i'm not a girl who likes to talk. ironic in a way since i seem to 'talk' a lot here. but perhaps this is where i get my release and hence i'm usually all 'talked' out. but there are times when things start festering and i need to let it out to an actual real-life person.

my best friend and i definitely had our issues especially during the time she was back home. but typical of us, we would rationalise for the other person and not say anything till it reached boiling point. it was bout boiling point for the both of us. so it felt great to finally just let it out. doesn't mean we love each other less. but we just needed to sort out the petty issues we had with each other.

she also told me the full story bout what happened between her and the guy she liked. as suspected it wasn't platonic at all. he has a girlfriend and i'm not judging her for whatever happened but it did set me thinking.

how things have changed... and how we've grown up. things that we used to say wasn't 'acceptable' has become all grey areas and we've become more 'accepting' of those very things. you grow up saying that you wanna avoid certain things but then sometimes life throws you in for a loop and you find yourself in a situation that you never thought possible. but then you adapt. 'coz that's what happens. but how much can you adapt without losing yourself entirely?

i think i have 'guidelines' for myself so i don't veer off course. but of 'coz i'm not perfect. and i don't beat myself up too much if i fall off the 'line'. perhaps i'm idealisitc. and i try to learn from the mistakes that people around me make so that i myself don't make those mistakes.

i guess i'm just in a philosophical and pensive mood...

****

in many ways this is an interesting post for me to rehash at this very choice time. first of all, though unrelated to the topic, the best friend and i have drifted for quite a while now and recently went through further issues. though we haven't had a massive falling out and are civil, it's bout suffice to say that she's pretty much now the former best friend. it's sad and i'd be lying if i said i wasn't hurt but i guess that's life. that's growing up... and growing apart.

the other interesting thing is that it took me bout 3 months after writing that post to veer off course so to speak. overall 2007 was a year where i quickly learnt that there are times when you really do find yourself in a situation you never thought possible and find yourself doing things that you never thought you would. i'm glad to say that by 2009 i had mellowed a lot and became back to the me i was more used to.

****

original date: 27 feb 2007
title: i have a problem
tag: insights into jo

recently i was texting my best friend and telling her bout the making out adventures between the youngest one and myself.

best friend: goodness girl how can you not have emotional attachment?
jo: he asked me the same thing too. how not to have emotional attachment. haha! well it's not easy. i am emotionally attached a lil.

much as i always like to talk bout emotional detatchment and how you (really meaning myself) can't really afford to get too emotionally attached, i admit that i'm probably one of the first ones not to heed my own advice and wind up getting emotionally attached.

and i think i've realised what the exact cause is.

lately i've been talking to guys a fair bit. and i don't mean just meeting a new guy in the club and idly chatting. i mean really talking. a 45 min conversation with key account executive. few weekends of communicating with the youngest one, including middle-of-the-night conversations. long IMs with shy colleague. and then there were some text messages exchanged with the friend of my party girl's guy friend that i met some weeks back at the club. while he seemed perhaps a lil sleazy then (possibly due to high alcohol levels in his bloodstream), when he initiated a text conversation with me the next day after we met, he seemed nice, sensitive even. it was perhaps sorta odd that he started telling me, a virtual stranger, bout his upcoming holiday plans and his family. but at the same time it made me consider for a moment going out with him (not that he asked or even contacted since) where initially i wouldn't even have bothered too much.

the thing is, the more i talk to someone, the more i find out the lil quirks, the more i wind up getting emotionally attached. and the more i want to talk to the person. but the problem is that just 'coz i had 1 or 2 (or even 3 or 4) good conversations and a seeming connection, it doesn't necessarily mean anything. i think for some reason, i place too much value on good conversations... and of 'coz a needed level of attraction. sadly i can't say that my previous conversational connections have turned out all that well. for the most part it just fizzles away... taking the great conversation with it... but since i already got emotionally attached, that just leaves me a lil disappointed.

i don't want to be disappointed time and time again. that takes up too much energy and a certain essence of me. that's probably why i just keep telling myself not to get too emotionally attached...

but the truth is...

oops... too late.

****

i still love good conversations. there's just something bout it. but i've also learnt that sometimes it's hard to continuously have good conversations with the same person. somehow it just comes to a natural lull at some point. and sometimes, i'm just simply talked out.

i'm not sure bout emotional attachment though. it's been a while since i've had to think bout it or to stop myself from it happening.

double standard

2011-07-26T22:14:00.000+08:00

though the serial dater stud/slut and i text every now and then, in actual fact we haven't actually met up in almost a year. recently we both found ourselves on a business trip to the same place (which is also incidentally his hometown) and decided to catch up for a drink and dinner.

as we usually do, we wound up talking bout his conquests. the girl he was currently shacking up with was the girl he met via a business networking session who lived in his hometown. and since he was there for the week, she had packed her bags and moved into his hotel.

he was laughing as he told me the story of how he managed to con her to stay with him on a holiday after only one date. a combination of giving himself a pat on the back for having it and amused at how easily she was giving it.

when asked if she had any potential to be more, he quickly answered in the negative. he stated that he just wanted a plaything for his business trip and it's easier when she's living there. it also gave the perfect excuse when it came time to move on from her. he admitted that he did think less of her and wondered if she always did the same since she hooked up with him so quickly.

he insisted that he wasn't a player and when he asked if i thought he was, i gave it to him straight. granted he's good on paper (and he himself cockily knows this) but it's just that he leads them on. he argued that it was the girls' own imaginations. but i think that if he knew right off the bat that there was never ever going to be anything more and yet leads the girls on to think that he's actually truly interested, that i consider a player. i would have had more respect if he owned up to that.

it's funny how an initially attractive guy could just grow to be so unattractive to me.

he said, she said

2011-07-25T23:47:00.001+08:00

the setting: dinner at a japanese restaurant after watching a movie

the topic of conversation: cannibalism. or more specifically, would you eat a dead human for survival

the words he said: gesturing to her, he stated that her slender size would make her less than ideal for a starving potential cannibal while stating that he however had enough fat content in him to be a cannibal's dream

the words she said: "would you eat me?"

and immediately after i said that, i realised how totally weird and inappropriate that sounded. thankfully i like to think he didn't notice my faux pas. at any rate, it's a good thing that "wayne rooney" and i are such good friends.

no thank you, i'll pass on that

2011-07-22T16:08:00.001+08:00

i'm not entirely surprised. somehow i knew it was going to happen, that it had indeed happened...

after a fairly long while of not meeting up due to busy schedules, i finally got the chance to catch up with the other jo. i asked her bout her birthday that i missed in late june as i was on vacation. she shared that it was a terrible birthday 'coz she had a fight with her boyfriend and they pretty much broke up. she figured that was the case since he's refused to talk to her or contact her since.

from what she's said bout him before, i'm surprised that he would do such a lousy thing. that he would also tell her not to stalk him and to get out of his house when all she wanted to do was to find him and speak to him like a proper adult. i didn't realise that there were having their fair share of problems for a while now. how it would be hard to make plans with him, how they used to fight whenever they met, how girls would text him late at night bout how much they miss him. he was just shady.

he was also the same person who told her that he loved her, asked her to move in, said bout how he never felt this way with anyone else before and did all those sweet gestures from the get-go.

maybe that's why he always cast suspicion in my mind. i felt that someone who did all this (and had a track record of previous girlfriends only lasting mere months) ultimately just didn't have the staying power to be in a long-term relationship.

it's sad. 'coz the other jo is mostly a long-term relationship kinda girl. and she doesn't deserve to be broken up with on her birthday. and now she's battling the urge to contact him, not 'coz she wants to get back together with him, that ship has sailed right into hatred for him, but 'coz she just can't get any closure from him.

sometimes i think the closure happens is when another person refuses to give it. when no answer is in very fact the answer.

the draft series: dec 2006

2011-07-21T14:03:00.001+08:00

****

original date: 08 dec 2006
title: untitled

yesterday was a long, busy and tough day at work. i was spent and in a lousy mood by the time i left the office. i was supposed to meet some friends for dinner but i concluded that i was in no way able to socialise effectively without having a drink first.

so i popped into a bar that i used to frequent which was conveniently located near the dining place i was supposed to meet my friends at. incidentally this was the very same bar that i went to for my first (and previously only) drink alone in a bar after a particularly messy crash and burn with prick04 back in 2004.

there must be something bout that bar. as i sat there totally alone with the red wine coursing through my veins, i began to relax.

and then i began to think.

the day before i had met up with my friend hunnybear (who incidentally was one of the friends i was going to meet that night as well) to catch up with her after she had quit her job and went to visit her new boyfriend in new york for a few weeks. i don't always get the chance to talk to her but whenever i do, i always feel pretty open. which in itself is pretty rare since i'm not known for my self disclosure (though if you've been reading this blog, you probably couldn't tell).

one of things we talked bout was the articulation of emotions. it was the very thing that her new boyfriend had impressed her with. his ability to articulate his emotions effectively. the same ability which she herself feels she lacks. i thought bout my own self and shared that perhaps i too was the same. hunnybear and i have always been pretty similar in a lot of ways.

she then asked me if it was 'coz i wasn't aware of my emotions or was it just that i found it hard to articulate 'em. hunnybear usually asks a lot of interesting questions and i always find her questions rather thought provoking. i thought bout it some and shared that perhaps i wasn't as 'emotional' 'coz i didn't dare to let myself feel and experience my emotions too much.

and this was what i was thinking bout as i sat alone in the bar yesterday evening.

what was it that made me scared to feel and experience my emotions too much.

****

hunnybear and i have pretty much lost contact but i know that she has since married that then new boyfriend and they welcomed a baby girl bout a year ago.

other than that, i don't know if much has changed since then. maybe a slight tendency to be repressive is my natural resting state. or maybe i'm just scared to be vulnerable. or maybe that's just what happens after facing rejection so many times.

the draft series: nov 2006

2011-07-14T10:33:00.002+08:00

****

original date:17 nov 2006
title: untitled

lately due to some radio ad i keep hearing, i've been thinking bout first kisses.

the thing is, i don't really remember my first kiss. i don't believe i ever tried to kiss any boys when i was a kid. or if i did, i certainly don't remember. i'm a really late bloomer so as far as i can recall, i believe my so-called my first kiss was with a total stranger in the club. a cuban (i think) guy who's full name i never got (and the part of his name i did get, i'm not sure if it's his first or last name). all i know is that he works on a ship and has wicked dance moves.

maybe that might have set the tone for the future of club kissing. in fact my so-called second kiss was in that same night. it was the cuban guy's spanish fellow ship worker friend. actually i'm not even sure which spanish guy it was 'coz there were 2 and i later kept in touch for a while with one of 'em. i think it was that guy but i probably won't ever really be certain.

but see, this is what i think... i think i've never been kissed. i mean sure i've been kissed and some even by guys i was seeing, but i've never really been kissed.

it's kinda like what drew barrymore's character says in the movie never been kissed:

"that thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realise that that person is the only person that you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that it will go away all at the same time."

even though i've never been a real geek, i sometimes feel like drew barrymore's character. a working adult in her mid 20s who somehow missed out on some of those 'life experiences' as a teenager.

****

reading back on this now, i think i did try and kiss some boys when i was a kid. i can't imagine why i didn't remember this since i remember my parents laughing and telling me bout this. i was apparently a rather forward little girl to one particular boy who i think has since grown up to be a none too attractive fella haha!

but that said, i don't know if i can say that i've ever felt that way in a kiss like how drew barrymore's character put it. sure, my first kiss with the alpha boy was pretty special especially since it was the first time i ever kissed anyone for the first time who was a boyfriend. and before that, i hadn't kissed anyone in bout 3 months which was quite a long lull period for kiss-slut me back then. but honestly, over 2 years later now still with the alpha boy, i can't say that there are fireworks everytime we kiss.

maybe all that fairytale romance and kisses are all fiction?

where has my youth gone?

2011-07-11T18:07:00.000+08:00

i haven't exactly disappeared, i just went on vacation. and now i'm back. reality sucks.

it was a fantastic vacation time travelling around in various cities. unfortunately, i didn't actually meet anyone interesting. who am i kidding? i was vacationing with my family, it's kinda hard to meet anyone interesting under such circumstances. then again, who am i kidding? i don't even meet anyone even while travelling alone or other friends!

the funny thing (okay, so maybe it's not exactly funny) that i realised on this trip is that while i did have some younger service guys calling me terms of endearment such as beautiful, i mostly only got older looking men checking me out and randomly saying hi.

this is perhaps creepier since i actually look like i'm only in my early 20s.

i wonder how this happened. i don't remember being attractive to the older generation on previous vacations. it makes me wonder if maybe that's my target market now. that's kinda sad.

the con-artist is impressive

2011-06-19T20:15:00.001+08:00

the serial dater stud/slut is still... well, serial dating. his latest girl is one who he met via a business networking session back in his hometown which is bout an hour's flight from where we are located. she lives there.

recently she flew over here for business and they met up for dinner.

serial dater stud/slut: and the coup de grace is that i've managed to convince her to sync her *insert overseas destination* trip with mine so we're there over the same weekend! muahahaha! are you impressed? :P

i am impressed.

given that he's a fairly good looking and eloquent guy who is doing pretty well in his career, perhaps it should not come as a surprise that he's as successful as he is with the women as well. but it's amazing how many women go for his tricks. and it's almost sobering to know that if i were single, i could have been one of the casualities, one of those girls who fall for him thinking that he's more interested than he actually is simply 'coz he gives out those signals.

but sooner or later, they finally catch on. just like one of the girls he was "seeing", the one who he went on holidays with, the one who kept the dtr (define the relationship) talk on hold which probably explained why she lasted the longest. but even she eventually must have realised that a man who refuses to commit that much mustn't like you very much to begin with.

serial dater stud/slut: she had a nasty and out of the blue hissy fit a while back and it's kinda been going downhill since. NEXT!!! :)

serial dater stud/slut: anyway you'd be super impressed at what i've already managed to con *insert name of latest girl* into already.

con is the right word. that's what that man does. con the girls into thinking that he actually has feelings for them. when all the while, they are nothing more than just "playthings" along the way on his pursuit for a girlfriend material though i disagree that he's even looking for a girlfriend.

so why do i even bother with all this? well for one, his antics are amusing. for another, he reminds me what guys out there can be like and make me extra thankful for what i don't have to go through.

the draft series: oct 2006

2011-06-16T10:46:00.001+08:00

****

original date: 18 oct 2006
title: the intimacy timeline

when i was young... waay before i had any real contact with guys... i used to have what i now call the intimacy timeline.

somehow i thought that physical intimacy with guys had to go through stages. one step at a time.
1st step: find a boyfriend
2nd step: holding hands
3rd step: holding waist / thigh
4th step: kiss on the cheek / forehead
5th step: kiss on the lips
6th step: french kiss
7th step: marriage
8th step: sex

but in reality, oh man did those steps get all jumbled up.

the first thing i've noticed is that the 1st step: find a boyfriend doesn't even need to be satisfied in order to progress to the other steps. the 4th step: kiss on the cheek / forehead is usually more of a friends thing. the 5th step: kiss on the lips tend to be more of a grey area. where it's like you're friends and yet not quite just friends. and the 2nd, 3rd and 6th steps are usually all lumped together where the 2nd step is likely to be missed out very easily. and i didn't take in consideration the forgotten step: groping which in itself could be split into a few steps.

as for 7th step: marriage coming before 8th step: sex. well let's just say that while that's a lovely and romantic idea, it's not exactly the most commonly popular behavior.

sometimes i wish for those innocent and naive young days where things seemed more black and white. where things progressed at a steady pace instead of a hop, skip and jump. it would probably be less confusing.

i think that would be nice.

****

i still think it would be nice. maybe not usually realistic but nice. and i'm glad that for the most part, the alpha boy and i followed that timeline. or at least the 1st step was actually our 1st step which i thought was refreshing and sweet.

as for everything else? yeah well that was jumbled...

words that have been used to describe me

2011-06-13T17:53:00.000+08:00

i've always been considered sporty. it's funny 'coz i'm naturally lean and even if i didn't do a single exercise at all, i'd probably be just bout as lean.

but i do exercise. up until a few years ago (and my "excuse" now is leg injuries) i was an avid runner. i ran everything from 10Ks to marathons. the craziest thing was that i was never that active in school. but nowadays i'm more familiar with spinning classes and pilates.

and the gym was what we talked bout recently when i was catching up with my post grad friends. but it was not the only thing we talked bout. apparently one of the guys admitted that back when he first met me, he wouldn't have thought it entirely impossible if i were lesbian. even though there is absolutely no indication that i would be.

so apparently i am sporty and also possibly lesbian.

that got me thinking. what bout sexy?

now that has never been a word to describe me. ever. i just don't have it. that certain sexiness that some girls just effortlessly have.

i wish i did. it would be nice to be considered sexy for a change.

how to find and keep a nice guy

2011-06-11T23:30:00.003+08:00

they first met when she was falling over her feet, puking over the sidewalk kinda drunk. and over 4 years later nothing much has changed. she's still the one who suggests a drink practically every day and doesn't know her limits until she's sailed right past it. he's the one who warns her not to drink too much but yet the one to pick her up when her friends call him to say she's drunk again. she's the one who routinely gets drunk at work functions, sometimes being the first and only one who is drunk. he's the one who sees her jump into the pool and tries to stop her from trying to drag a male colleague into the pool. she's the one who takes his credit card and suggests that he buys her yet another designer bag. he's the one who agrees to it and voluntarily buys other designer bags for her.

she usually met them while she was dating someone else. that seems to be her style, finding someone else while she starts to tire of the current one. she's the one who is openly fiesty, mouthing off to random strangers anywhere (in a movie, concert, street) who might have annoyed her slightly. they are the ones who have to deal with any potential fight situations. she's the one who puts them down. they are the ones who bend over backwards for her. she's the one who thinks that just bout everyone else is incompetent at work and isn't afraid to say/show it. they are the ones who willingly pay her way for everything.

i'm neither perpetually drunk, too materialistic, overly fiesty or think i'm entitled. and yet i don't usually get guys treating me in the way their guys treat 'em. 2 examples, 1 lesson. i should have learnt that if you treat 'em mean, you keep 'em keen.

that and you should have a huge set of racks.

yep i'm pretty sure that's where i'm going all wrong. if i had huge boobs, i would rule the world.

and the alpha boy agrees.

the draft series: sep 2006

2011-06-09T13:21:00.001+08:00

****

original date: 21 sep 2006
title: the guys in myspace

yes, i have a myspace account. but i hardly go on there and don't even pimp my page. all i have is a bare bones page with some normal pics posted. but somehow it seems that whenever i have logged into myspace to check a message or comment that one of my actual friends have left, i get a flood of messages from random guys immediately after.

i think there is something innately wrong with the guys in myspace.

sure every now and then i get a message from a random guy who seems nice and normal...

"you don't know me but i was hoping you could help me real quick. i'm likely moving to *where i am* within a few months and i am just trying figure out what life is going to be like over there"

"i'm going to *where i am* and i just saw your profile and you looked cool so i thought i'd ask you about *where i am*... what can i do when i go there??? your photos are very cool by the way"

apparently my version of the nice and normal random guy is one who asks me for tour guide advice haha!

but more often than not, i'm getting messages and requests to be friends from guys who are just plain weird.

first of all, i do not understand why would some guys request to be my friend when they haven't even sent me a message. and a message simply saying hi is not really a message. it just shows that they have no idea what to even talk bout.

then there are there are the flattering messages...

"i think you are beautiful. i think you looke good with the *my hair style*. i wish i could meet you for a couple night on the town..."

i never understood if he meant 'couple of nights' or a 'couple night'. either way i wasn't interested. plus his big burly muscles scared me off.

"noticed you big expressive eyes and sweet wide smiles..."

i have neither big expressive eyes nor sweet wide smiles.

"dearest pretty, how are you today? hope you are cool... pls could i know more about you. i will like us to be friends and know ourselves too well..."

dearest pretty? that's just too funny. and no thanks, i already know myself too well...

"hey lil mama... looking darrn fine i had 2 send a shadout!... darrn kip doin wat u doin babygurl... hit me aite..."

i couldn't figure out if he had really bad spelling or if he was just too ghetto.

then there are the job ads kind of messages...

"would you like to join me as a *car brand* sales exec? i thought you have the looks which plays some part in car sales industry."

"wanted to let ya know that im doing the latest *sports shoe brand* photoshoot. if ya interested, let me know ASAP"

and of 'coz the inspiring messages...

"hi joe! liked your profile! hope your career will grow from strength to strength, year by year, and always trust yourself when you make major decision in your life. give as much as you would like to receive in this world, and always take care and protect the helpless"

wow! i may not know him but i'll take that blessing on my career anyday. but if he was trying to be my friend, maybe he would have liked to get my name right... it's jo not joe... i'm not a man...

and the obviously forwarded chain messages...

"sweet words are easy to say, sweet things are easy 2 buy, but sweet people are difficult to find. life ends when u stop dreaming, hope ends when u stop believing, love ends when u stop caring, friendship ends when u stop sharing. so share this with whom ever u consider a friend. to love without condition... to talk without intention... to give without reason ... and to care without expectation... the heart of a true friend..."

hands up to those who actually read that. i didn't. i lost him halfway.

"LOVE starts with a SMILE , grows with a KISS , and ends with a TEAR. DON'T cry over anyone who won't cry over you. good FRIENDS are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget. you can only go as far as you push. ACTIONS speak louder than words..."

yadda yadda yadda... he wrote so much that i think he must have compiled every chain letter he had into one message.

a variation on that would be the compilation of pickup lines...

"you know what i think? i think it should be illegal for someone to be as beautiful as you. i'm that guy your mom warned you about. but hey, we both know that you never listened to her... anyway... you probably couldn't handle me, but i thought i'd give you a chance anyway"

i thought that maybe i don't wanna take that chance.

of 'coz there had to be the propositioning ones...

"i'm a funloving guy looking to enjoy life to the fullest with no regrets or strings attached. BUT i'm attached and only looking for discreet pleasures"

i'm guessing his girlfriend doesn't have a myspace account

"im interested in initiaing an intimate love or dating with u. the type that will usher us into marriage"

whoa! dude are you mad! i don't even know you...

i think the best one is this one...

"application for friendship: hi! i am glad to come across you. are u willing to stop and take a look at my profile and decide if i am the type of friend you want?? please drop me a line after you have fully read through my profile and think i can be a worthy friend to u."

that got him this response from me...

"hi! your application for friendship has been reviewed. i'm pleased to inform you that upon succeeding to crack me up and the addition of cute animals pics, your application has been approved. however it must be proven that you are indeed not a hamster. have a nice day!"

after a while we stopped messaging. not that i care.

then take a look at these guys... some don't put up pics of 'emselves which i feel isn't very fair especially if they get to see mine. those who do put up their pics look like some pervert or narcissist. i do not need to pics of their huge biceps. and then there are others who state their age as 91, 99, 101. why on earth would someone even think of doing that? that's not even funny.

but what most of these guys have in common are their friends. they don't have any male friends at all. and all their female friends look like porn stars. short of 'em working in the adult entertainment industry, how likely is it that they only know female porn stars lookalikes? and even more disturbing of all... which part of me looks like a porn star?? in case that wasn't enough of a rhetorical question, let me clarify that the answer is none at all.

i guess that places like myspace are just a breeding ground for weirdos...

****

a really long one. i'm amazed at myself... that took a fair bit of compiling to come up with this. obviously now most everyone just uses facebook instead myspace. srangely enough, i haven't come across as many weirdos in facebook...

you know you're old when...

2011-06-08T09:46:00.002+08:00

... you find yourself strangely drawn to the well-preserved 40-something man with the slightly receeding hairline and laugh lines that exist even when he's not smiling who made you forget your usual habit of plugging in music on the bus

and you find yourself not giving a second look to the reasonably attractive 20-something guy who you would have probably been able to describe better if you actually did take a second look.

when there's no whisky, beer would do

2011-06-06T14:24:00.001+08:00

what i initially thought would have a potentially awkward night, due to an unexpected turn of events, resulted in a rather strange night altogether.

in the week leading up to whisky night, my oldest school friend kept me updated with a few rants that no one from the other side of the group (the swedish guy being a member of that since technically he was our mutual school friend's boyfriend's friend) bothered to even reply to confirm their attendance or non attendance and bout how this was the second time she and her boyfriend were organising it at that group's suggestion and how it was frustrating to have them behave this way.

believe me, i get the frustration. but at the same time, i had my own agenda in trying to find out if the swedish guy would be there without letting on this history i have with him. i couldn't decide if it was better that he wasn't there (so that i could then invite the alpha boy) or if he was (so then i could keep to the story i told the alpha boy on why i wasn't inviting him and catch up with the swedish guy like i intended to).

by the day before, it was fairly obvious that the group gathering would just be a cozy one. come the day itself, i extended the invitation to the alpha boy who by now wasn't bothered in the least if i went by myself. he would have probably gone except that he was feeling too tired out to stay out late and went to hang out with his good friend who lives very near to him. that was when we parted ways.

what was supposed to have been whisky night turned into beer night as my oldest school friend's boyfriend failed to make reservations at the whisky bar and as chance would have it, they were hosting a function that very night. i think this triggered off some tension between the couple and by the time i arrived, she was in one of the worst moods i've seen though she was quick to give a short explanation the minute he was out of earshot, saying that they had a fight where he blamed her for something that wasn't her fault.

unexpectedly, a newly wed (like literally the night before) couple friend of theirs who was initially supposed to join us was having a family dinner right in the microbrewery where we wound up at. after their family left, they invited our table to join them inside for more beer. my oldest school friend told us to go in first and she would soon join us but after a while it was patently obvious that she had decided to just leave. i dropped her a text to ask if she was okay and that ensued in some back and forth texting where she apologised profusely bout just leaving but she really needed time out from her boyfriend.

i made the decision to stay as it would be kinda rude to just up and leave when i had already settled in with a beer. and besides, i started conversing with the female half of the newly wed and she seemed like a lovely girl.

as the night progressed, i wound up chatting with various other people and actually settled quite comfortably with 'em. so even if i feel a tad bit guilty saying it, i did have a great time.

the draft series: aug 2006

2011-06-02T18:08:00.000+08:00

there are times in life where you start something off only to abandon it along the way. some are mere shadows of what you envisioned it to be while others seemed rather complete just as it was but for some reason still didn't make the final cut and was left forgotten.

i was looking through my blog posts from the past and realised lying in between over 5 years of relatively regular posts were those that never made it to be published.

seeing as how my current life has pretty much essentially turned (i dare say it...) boring, i thought i'd dig up these lil "gems" and finally post 'em for all the world (or just my tiny group of readers) to see.

what better place to start then right at the beginning... with the very first draft post that didn't make it...

****

original date: 25 aug 2006
title: untitled

i'm not much of a girly girl. if anything i'm probably more rock chick. i don't like too much mush but i like teen flicks. it's almost as though i never quite grew up from those teenybopper years. of 'coz my theory is that i must have missed out on a lot of those 'life experiences' or whatever and hence am trying to 'relive' 'em through the movies.

****

5 years may have gone by but i'm still a big lover of my teen flicks. maybe i'm "reliving" vicariously the "life experiences" i never had. or maybe i just have a peter pan syndrome.

in my dreamscape escapades

2011-05-30T11:09:00.005+08:00

"wayne rooney" (my brit colleague) and i work very closely together and we work well together. even before working on the same projects threw us closer, we always had some sort of natural chemistry.

there were times we went out partying with other colleagues where we would wind up dancing together where he would twirl me around and dip me. it didn't mean a thing though. he danced with all the other girls too. he's relatively huggy and possibly even particularly with me but he's also never been inappropriate with anyone and just comes off as a fun and friendly guy. a pretty great guy.

they say that when you're close to someone of the opposite sex, it's not uncommon to dream "sexy" dreams bout them even though you're not even interested in them.

recently i had one such dream bout "wayne rooney". it was strange. i can't even remember exactly what happened in my dream except that he was in it. and we were romantically entangled somehow. he was very interested even though i was unavailable. it was odd. and yet somehow not entirely. which probably made that just as odd.

i may like pickles, but i sure don't like being in one

2011-05-26T12:37:00.002+08:00

going through my blog post achives, i'm really surprised that i didn't mention this before since it was a fairly surprising and "panic" inducing discovery back in late february when i realised from photographs being tagged that the swedish guy knows my oldest school friend through some mutual friends who included a classmate of ours (me and my oldest school friend).

i don't know how they all wound up knowing each other and actually organising relatively frequent social gatherings together but it freaked me out to know that the world is too small. and it's the swedish guy to boot. admittedly i have always had a soft spot for him since he was the one just before the alpha boy and the one i would have chosen if he showed me more interest then. there are some amazing things bout the swedish guy's personality which i can't quite forget and we just had natural chemistry.

recently i decided to make it a point to reconnect with my old school friends. we were so close when we were younger and had all that history together. and somehow just drifted apart as we grew older even though some were still close to each other. so since then i've been making a definite effort to keep in touch via emails (as it seems to now be one of the best ways) and i think it's paid off.

last night i was invited for dinner with my oldest school friend, her boyfriend and a few of her (and now his) other friends. it was a lovely time where i really enjoyed myself thoroughly. at the end of dinner, there was mention of a whisky night coming up of which invites were sent out by her boyfriend a few days prior.

now, i'm a big fan of whisky and an even bigger fan of social gatherings and making more friends. naturally i thought this would be a perfect social occasion for me. i expressed my interest and they were eager to extend to me the invite as well.

as proof of their sincereity, i received the invite first thing in the morning. it was a forwarded invite. and i saw everyone else who were previously invited in the earlier email.

yep, it was the swedish guy. and i had just told the alpha boy the night before that perhaps he could join me for the whisky night.

so here now lies my dilemma... i really want to go for this. i can't really think of reasons not to (other than sheer awkwardness) and yet i really don't want the alpha boy and the swedish guy to meet. in any case, the alpha boy isn't good in unknown social settings whereas i relish and usually shine in them. i don't want him to feel uncomfortable but i don't want to be held back either. it gets even more complicated 'coz due to the alpha boy's work schedule, he's only free on saturday nights and sundays.

i can't think of a way for me to go for this without the alpha boy and yet spend some time with him somehow and keep him happy. sigh maybe this wouldn't have been as much as a problem if the alpha boy were more sociable.

bad boys bad boys, whatcha gonna do when they come for you

2011-05-24T11:49:00.000+08:00

you know the story... less than a year ago, my best friend's sister broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years. less than 3 months after that she found a new boyfriend. 4 months after that she broke up with him. less than 1 month after that she started seeing a new guy that she met while she was totally drunk on one of the many nights. and now, 4 months later, they have decided to become exclusive.

the thing is, this new boyfriend? he's a badboy and bad company. so bad in fact that when she brought him back home for dinner with her sister (my best friend) and her sister's boyfriend (she lives with the both of them), my best friend's boyfriend (who is this big tough blue collar worker dude but a lovely guy) later told her to "never bring back this *bleeper* back to his house again".

she shared that she just can't stay away, as is the usual draw of the badboy. her friends think that they both create utmost chaos when together. and she herself is expecting drama in this relationship. but she reckons it's better than being bored.

i keep reminding myself that she's 23. these things happen when you're that age. and that even ridiculously logical and level headed me had her "crazy" years too (granted at a later age of 25). but i guess it's also 'coz being childhood best friends with her sister and, at 8 years my junior, i've essentially watched her grow up since she was a baby and come to view her almost as my little sister too. but i guess, she's not exactly "little" anymore...

can we get back to the time 4 years ago when we were good friends?

2011-05-03T15:07:00.003+08:00

8 years ago, i was with my best friend and her cousin (who i was then very close to but in the last 5 years suddenly decided to ignore me and stop being friends) in a club where we met him. he and my best friend's cousin started hanging out / casually dating for a bit. it was then that he got initiated into what quickly became our group of friends which included some from a dancing group that my best friend and her cousin was then in. one of them was a very attractive girl who subsequently became my best friend's cousin's flatmate for a short period of time.

as the years passed, he went back to london where he was originally from, making trips back out here relatively frequently. along the way he became really close friends with the attractive girl's friend, a girl with huge boobs, and at some point also started dating the attractive girl who subsequently cheated on him (as she did with her last boyfriend who we also knew from the dance group) she then got married soon after and he saw them together at the girl with huge boob's wedding.

somewhere along that time as well, he and i got closer when i visited him in london. and then we drifted apart and didn't chat with each other when he started work and didn't come back for 4 years.

until now.

my london guy friend still gives the best hugs. tight and long with a lil rub on the back. i've always loved his hugs. the girl with the huge boobs joined us. i wasn't exactly thrilled 'coz to be honest somehow i've never quite liked her before, but she's his good friend, a fact that she made certain to rub in my face. she constantly referenced to things that she and him did together both in the past and in the last week that he was here in town. she volunteered the fact that she took a few vacation days just to spend with him and how she's going to visit him and his family in the summer for his birthday, she leaned on his shoulder, she talked bout how long she's known him, forgetting that i have known him for just as long and in fact met him first.

i would have thought that she and him were behaving couply except she was supposed to be married (i later learned from him that she got divorced a few months ago and is currently back with a former ex boyfriend who she is presently living with) and he's married with a kid back home.

things picked up after she left early with her "friend" (i.e. live in partner) and my london guy friend and i went for dessert. this meeting up made me realise that i missed him and i wished that we kept in contact and had not lapsed for 4 years. but yet our exchanges (or lack that of) the week he was in town made me remember why we never kept in contact. 'coz he didn't. not when most of my friendly texts (where i welcomed him back, asked him if he was free and then bade my farewell to him) went unanswered. and that's a pet peeve of mine. i don't know if we will still be in any more contact then we currently have been 'coz it does take 2 hands to clap and at this point, he's not trying.

sheesh way to go in leading a girl on

2011-04-28T14:06:00.002+08:00

serial dater stud/slut: we played around a bit
serial dater stud/slut: then she went off on this "what're you looking for" tangent, concluding that i'm looking for "company" and she didn't want that
serial dater stud/slut: NEXT!! :)
jo: haha! she's right though
jo: but to be fair, it's true that she was probably always not going to work out anyhow
serial dater stud/slut: but i would've been ok playing with her a bit more :) hehehehe
serial dater stud/slut: so have you found any potential playthings for me yet?? :)
jo: nope. none that would wanna be played with
jo: they aren't looking for "company"
serial dater stud/slut: awwww
serial dater stud/slut: but if they're a good match, it'll be more than "play"
jo: perhaps... but at this point i just think you're more into "play" anyway

and this could have been the very same conversation repeated to describe the many different girls he has dated in the one over year i've known him. all of whom he's not really ecstatic bout or smitten with and yet continues in this same fashion, with usually eventually the same results.

must be what happens when you meet a girl, invite her back home by the second date of which she accepts, maybe go away on holiday with her after a number of dates, all the while continuing to serial date with other girls doing the exact same things, refuse to commit in any form to her and balk when she mentions anything along those lines 'coz omg you have no idea where she gets that from and it's way too early for any of that dtr (define the relationship) talk.

yep i get it. not.

2 years later...

2011-04-25T11:54:00.000+08:00

i've said this a thousand times, and i'll say it a thousand more... time flies.

the alpha boy and i celebrated our second year anniversary on saturday. where did all that time go? how did it suddenly become our second year?

due to budget constraints (as it usually seems to be the case), we went to a little steak cafe which was rather yummy and value for money. and then that was pretty much it.

once again it was rather low-key. almost like it could have been any other night but wasn't.

and then my mom heard the news that her friend's daughter who is a year older than me (and who i also know) just got engaged when her boyfriend proposed to her on her birtday over the weekend. lovely. i believe the parentals are definitely eager for me to get married.

art exhibitions bring out my reflective and pensive side

2011-04-17T21:05:00.000+08:00

i may not have seen my family friend's setup for 2.5 years but when we finally met up again, it was like we were never really apart. sure, there seemed to be a fair amount of catchup and conversations beginning with questions such as "so what has happened in the last 2.5 years?" but in the main, we just got along as wonderfully as we always had.

that's the thing that always got to me. how well we get along. in one of our first few solo meetups, we spent a whopping 8 hours together with no clue how time just passed like that. and that's the way with us. we can spend hours with each other and just laugh and have a great time. i think we're fairly similar with the same kooky sense of humor. it just works.

but it didn't work. back then i was always wondering if we were strictly platonic (we certainly acted it, even down to going dutch) or if we were platonic with a possible potential for more. i guess the "answer" that i got in the end was that we were platonic, seeing as how he never really made a move.

and yet, it's true that the chemistry and "compatability" is undeniable. even right now, after years of not meeting up and an additional few years before that since we were "seeing each other", i can still feel it and i don't think i'm lying to myself when i say that i reckon he feels it too. maybe i'm overthinking this but i think that there was always a part of him that was somewhat interested in me. granted, it wasn't enough for him to make a move but i would find it hard to beleive that he wasn't at all interested.

looking back, i kinda think i might even know why he wasn't more interested. simply put, back then i wasn't always quite the girl a good guy might date. and i reckon he's a relatively good guy. 4 years ago i was living the party lifestyle. i knocked back drinks hard and fast. i had my fair share of random makeouts. and even though i was always quite the prude, there was still some questionable behavior. i guess i just wasn't at the right place to get committed, i wasn't the right girl to get committed to. and he was too busy in his life as well.

maybe he's still too busy. he has a girlfriend of on/off 2.5 years who moved to another country to work a year ago. she realised that she didn't like the place and decided to come back in a few months time. she had previously hinted that she wanted to settle down but he wasn't ready. i get the feeling that he still isn't ready. that is somewhat evident when he answers with a "we'll see how it goes when she gets back."

it brought me back to the age old question... how do you know if it's 'coz you're just not ready or if it's not the right person?

what happens if i say right now i don't?

2011-04-10T23:49:00.000+08:00

other than that time (years ago) where my parents actually volunteered to pay for me sign up with a religious matchmaking agency, they haven't actually been all up in my grill bout the whole marriage thing. sometimes i think maybe they (and the rest of my extended family) just forget how old i actually am.

they must have suddenly remembered it now 'coz lately that's all they've been talking bout.

i'm being reminded bout how i've been seeing the same guy for 2 years, how i'm 31 this year and that frankly, girls are at the losing end of the "age battle".

i know all of this. but somehow i'm just not ready for happily ever after. strangely scarily enough, it's almost as though i've convinced my mind to think that i am actually 25 (just 'coz i happen to look 25).

sometimes i wonder if it's me. i mean the alpha boy is 3 years younger and has been aluding heavily and even downright expressly articulating bout us getting married. and yet while it's nice to know that someone wants to marry me, it freaks me out like none other 'coz i really don't think i'm ready.

the parentals know this. after all the pressure from them bout how i should think bout getting married, i felt it was only right that i let 'em know that right now, that's not in the cards for me. i just feel like there's too many other things i need to settle in my life first before embarking on such a life changing decision. my mom mentioned bout how you can do both. and i suppose that's also true...

i guess i'm just left wondering if it's me... am i just not ready and balk at the thought of marriage... to anyone. or is it the alpha boy? is he not the one i want to marry?

this is how the universe must be playing it's little april fool's joke on me

2011-04-01T10:59:00.000+08:00

when i was younger i used to have this little april fool's joke that i would play on my best friend. it was the same every year. not so much an actual prank or joke but a pathetic joke between us. every year i would tell her that someone professed his interest in me. we all knew that it couldn't be true. afterall if it didn't happen for 10 years, it's likely to ever happen. and yet, it was our own little joke.

so this morning i was wondering if i should pull the same "joke". maybe i'm too old for this. the joke isn't even valid anymore since both of us have been in a relationship for nearly 2 years... to different people. as i walked into the office thinking maybe i was indeed too old for april fool's jokes anyway, i was at the receiving end of not one but two jokes from the universe.

i checked my online social utility site only to find a personal message from dj guy asking me how i have been. and barely before i got over that shock, i received an IM from my family friend's setup (who i last shared an IM conversation a few months ago but who i last saw 2.5 years ago when we went for an art exhibition together) essentially asking if i wanted to go for that same art exhibition we went to last which comes round every 2 years.

amazing. 2 guys who at one point in my life, i really liked and made it to my heart. but whose heart i ultimately never managed to capture.

yes, the universe has it's own lil way of playing a joke on me.

now i just need the swedish guy to contact me too. third one would definitely be a charm.

you're once, twice, three times a man

2011-03-28T15:02:00.005+08:00

if i don't mention much bout the guy based in missouri it's 'coz for the most part, i don't really talk to him at all. but yet it was an unsaid understanding that if he were to come back, we would catch up again.

recently i received a message from him saying that he was headed back for a week and i agreed to meeting up. it's been 3.5 years, i never quite realised just how long it has actually been and i reckon a lot can change in that length of time.

one of the most obvious changes was his size. he was literally, i kid you not, 3 times the man he used to be. it was scary. i nearly couldn't recognise him! the other thing that changed was that he seemed to be more annoying than before. it just got increasingly hard to tell whether he was joking or not and it was hard to get straight answers out of him. when faced with such people, i tend to pull out all the stops and go hard, matching sarcastic statements and silly answers with a straight face. apparently he must like that 'coz he mentioned bout how he likes that i'm one of those people with a good sense of humor. i guess some things don't always change.

he also continued to ask me to move to missouri and in general i sometimes got the feeling that he would have still been semi attracted to me. then again i did just bout still maintained the size i was 3.5 years ago.

the leprechauns must have been out to play 'coz this girl was

2011-03-18T13:53:00.001+08:00

there are times when i actually remember st patrick's day but this year wasn't one of them. it didn't even occur to me until my colleague pointed out that i was wearing green and made it seem that wearing green that day was particularly significant.

so when she asked me and some other colleagues to join her and her friends at the irish pub for drinks to celebrate a friend's birthday, i readily agreed. afterall i'm already wearing green right? it would be such a terrible waste.

i wound up having a pretty good time. i tried guinness on black (which is supposed to be with blackcurrant syrup) and snakebite for the first time. i hung out chatting with her friends, relishing the chance to once again bring back the sparkle mode that stayed dormant for so long and happily noting that the birthday boy (he turned 29 years old which makes him totally age appropriate for me) was a rather attractive guy who i would have definitely faniced.

unfortunately i couldn't stay long. but as i left, i couldn't help but had this feeling that i needed more of this. i missed this. it was just like old times, but with new people. the excitement was like a rush for me. and i enjoyed being in the company of fun and interesting people having a laugh and shining in that sparkle mode.

if you don't mind, i'll like to have that too please, thankyouverymuch

2011-03-17T10:43:00.000+08:00

i've come to realise that dating is a lot like job hunting. and that there is something bout the other jo that makes her excel in both.

she's never had any problems in job hunting. if anything, she's turning down offers left and right. it doesn't matter how long she's been out of the market, if she's looking, they're offering. but on the flip side she's also rarely contented or satisfied and not the easiest person to deal with.

similarly in her dating life, she moves from one boyfriend to another. she was getting emotionally close to her super nice ex while she was dating her previous ex. and this time round, she was looking around before she eventually broke up with her super nice ex and a lil under 2 months later is now coupled up with a new boyfriend. and she always seems to get the ones that are all into her.

but i wonder how much is too much too soon?

the new german boyfriend has essentially told her that he loved her and suggested that they move in together. after barely 2 months?? a quick check on his relationship background showed that his relationships seldom had lasting power. they usually fizzled out after a few months. but of 'coz he claimed that this time with her it was different. he's never felt like this with anyone before. he thinks she's the one. she's over the moon and thinks the same but hasn't told him yet.

he sounds like someone who falls in love fast. someone who does all these lovely gestures (like travelling all the way just to meet her for lunch during work and then travelling all the way back) but who ultimately may not be able to sustain it.

am i cynical? am i bitter?

maybe... but mostly i just want her luck/skill/whatever it is. i sure could use it.

if all events are like this, please sign me up for more

2011-03-03T21:22:00.001+08:00

i'm finally poking my head outta hibernation again after spending the last few weeks in a particularly busy season of work which was made that much harder since i was down with a particularly nasty virus but still had to keep trudging on.

the thing with these events i do is that generally, there aren't any cute guys... except for doc but he's since long left that company we use. so imagine my surprise when one day i saw a cute chef walking by.

he was tall, pretty buffed (or probably just compared to the other puny men on the hotel catering staff) and had a goatee. he was totally my type. the next few days had us girls all talking bout him. apparently we all noticed him. frankly, who wouldn't?

and then this seemed to open up a floodgate of cute men. from the young photographers to a journalist to a sponsor's guest. i couldn't quite tell if suddenly my event was filling up with cute guys or if i just hadn't seen the alpha boy in a while.

but well i'm not complaining. eye candy is eye candy, regardless if they're too young, possibly batting for the other team, likely none too articulate or attached.

it's no surprise i feel this way

2011-02-18T19:20:00.002+08:00

"babe!!! i'm back from *insert nice resort location*! he used the *insert decidedly not that nice location* golf retreat as an excuse."

and that was the text i received from one very excited sweet & simple girl early Monday morning, valentine's day morning.

she celebrated her birthday over the weekend and the supposed plan was to go with her boyfriend on his company's golf retreat to a nearby location after he had invited her. what she didn't know was that his actual plan was to bring her to a totally different place entirely, stay in a lovely hotel with a gorgeous view and have a romantic time.

i was happy and excited for her. really i was. it was a surprise that she never thought possible given that they have had their fair share of issues in the relationship. but i also have to admit that i did feel a pang of jealousy. it's not wrong to feel like i want that too right?

on valentine's day i happened to be walking towards the office door to head out when a secretary went to answer the door for a flower delivery. she jokingly asked if the flowers were for me and i was amazed at how quickly i said that it couldn't be. turns out they were obviously for someone else. it then hit me that from what i have known and experienced bout the alpha boy and in our relationship, i realised that i had very little hopes that he would even think of planning a surprise for me or even try to romance me. i feel like our relationship is much like one of an old married couple who are so used to each other that the spark has died off instead of a couple who is only nearly 2 years into their relationship. and furthermore, there wasn't ever any romance to begin with.

somehow there's just an unexplainable sadness that i feel. maybe i need more than just someone who treats me well, maybe i need some romance and excitement in the relationship too.

if it's valentine's day, then you've gotta plan it

2011-02-14T23:18:00.002+08:00

the alpha boy didn't really know when was valentine's day despite it being the second one that we would be celebrating together. the first thing that clued him in that there was even some occasion coming up was a few weeks ago when while with him, i came upon a special holographic card which would have been a perfect unique valentine's day card. since i hardly went to that shop, i jokingly told him to go away while i made my purchase. this of 'coz started his wheels turning and wondering what occasion could it be.

he realised immediately even though he didn't know yet what date valentine's day was. and as the next few weeks passed, i wasn't entirely convinced that there was any plan on his side to begin with.

say what you will. that maybe valentine's day is commercialised and overpriced and that you don't need that one day to show your love. and possibly all that is true. but as a girl, it kinda feels nice to just have that one day, commercialised as it may be, where the guy plans something to celebrate.

it was nice to know that eventually (after some hints with the help of yahoo articles sent his way) the alpha boy did have a plan to, in his own words, celebrate on one day what he had every day of the year, which was a wonderful girlfriend. and even though it didn't involve fancy restaurants or expensive gifts, it was a sweet plan.

we spent sunday evening having a picnic in the park watching dogs play and eating simple sandwiches that he made.

well i guess this is growing up

2011-02-12T13:52:00.001+08:00

over 6 months ago, my (now ex) party girl (who i shall now call the fiesty girl) upped and moved far away. recently she's headed back for a short vacation to catch up with family and friends.

it was nice to catch up with her and as her vacation was coming to a close after this weekend, she suggested a night of partying, something she (and all of us alike) haven't done in a long long time.

i was still recovering from the flu, in a busy period at work, on my very last weekend before the next few would be solely devotedc to long crazy hours at work. but this is the fiesty girl, the one who for the last 6 years (excluding the last 6 months) i just bout spent every weekend with. and so lugging my laptop (knowing that i would have to work over the weekend), i decided to meet her later at night.

the yummy mommy was there. i haven't seen her in bout just as long as i haven't seen the fiesty girl. that's the thing bout the yummy mommy, she's ridiculously flaky like that and any attempts to keep in touch or meet up is usually really hard.

it was just like old times. and yet not.

we went to a clubbing stretch that we used to go back in the day. except that it was kinda funny to realise that it's been so long (probably years) since i last went there that i found myself having to think harder in order to navigate the area. our usual clubbing places were packed (with waay too young people, i may add) and we found ourselves settling into bar stools in a retro looking place that even though was always there, we've never been before.

surprisingly it wasn't that retro. and the band was great. for the most part i just sat there listening and bopping to the music while sipping my apple juice (sick remember?).

around 1am we all decided to call it quits as we were tired and the fiesty girl had an early day the next night. a rather early night for us but then again this is the new us.

through it all i couldn't help but realise how things have completely changed. the scene i used to be so familiar with and enjoyed was now boring to me. the people from said scene that i used to meet so often were now having their own lives and making me realise that maybe we were never that close to begin with (and yes sometimes i feel the yummy mommy is one of them due to her lack of effort in keeping in touch). the alcohol i used to injest in relatively hefty amounts was now not needed for me to be able to enjoy myself anyway.

things are different, but i actually quite like it this way.

when God was handing them out, i was obviously at the back of the line

2011-02-08T12:30:00.000+08:00

recently i had the chance to catch up with the other jo via a quick brief IM conversation on some (apparently now old) news. as perhaps predicted, she broke up with her awesome boyfriend due to a lack of sparkage. and barely a month later, she's already kinda seeing a new german guy who she met online, one who is sweet and calls her everyday.

right after her breakup, my best friend's sister seems to be continuing her run of random guys. oh to be young and have the world (and men) at your feet.

but that's the thing. i've never had men at my feet. sure, i'm generally able to attract enough men to date fairly often. but have them fall over my feet, be really sweet and bend over backwards for me? yeah well that kinda just doesn't happen.

so sometimes i find myself wondering... what's "wrong" with me? how is it that girls like the other jo and my best friend's sister can always get such men? is it 'coz they're both younger than me (with the other jo only a marginal 2 years), both more fiesty than me, both have more of a social life than me?

it suddenly hit me what they both have over me... no, what they both have are much bigger boobs than me.

i rest my case.

this is just another example

2011-02-07T13:00:00.000+08:00

the setting:
it was after lunch with the alpha boy's extended family. since it was near my place, the alpha boy's parents dropped me off. my parents happened to be getting ready to leave at that very instant. the alpha boy noticed them and informed us in the car.

the expectation:
i thought his dad would drop me and stop to say hi to my parentals since well, they were right there.

the reality:
but his dad zoomed past and dropped me and then waved goodbye as he sped off.

the confusion:
i (as well as my parents) honestly found the behavior really odd. any one would right? one would think that it was only normal common courteosy if those were your son's long-term girlfriend's parents, you would actually stop for a bit on a decidedly non crowded carpark to say hi and exchange quick pleasantries.

the excuse:
i decided to bring this up to the alpha boy. expectedly he saw nothing wrong and in fact thought it weird that one would expect such a thing. he reasoned that our parents don't know each other. yes, and honestly i was fine with them not meeting as yet but when chance saw it that they did in fact meet, wasn't it not considered kinda rude that they didn't stop to say hi? he said that if i expected them to say hi, i should have said just that.

the aftermath:
once again i'm left realising how completely different we are and wondering if i can even deal with this.

oh to be 30, (not so) flirty and thriving

2011-02-01T17:57:00.000+08:00

being born in the later half of the year usually means that i get a good part of the year to get used to turning another year older before i actually technically reach that age.

turning 30 last year was fairly "difficult" as i had to come to terms with leaving my 20s and reaching the big 3. however the strangest thing is that now that i'm just bout nearly 30 and a half, i'm actually starting to feel pretty good being in my 30s.

don't get me wrong, there is a definite benefit of youth and the first one that comes to mind is a far less achey body haha! perhaps it's just that possibly a large part of my 20s was spent over analyzing, wondering and doing some crazy things that i would have thought is uncharacteristic of me which ultimately turned out to be tiring, unproductive and pointless. but now, i feel so much more stable, less "flighty" and more career-minded. it's almost as though i'm (eeks!) maturing!

i still have a ways to go though. i'm not nearly where i want to reach in my life but somehow i just feel more focussed, less distracted and less interested to do the crazy song and dance merry-go-round of my 20s. and now i can actually "snigger" at the antics of the young 'uns and think bout how surely i wasn't ever that young right?

yeah i think that it'll be a good decade... or maybe half a decade until i turn 35 and have to mentally cross another barrier and physically tick another age checkbox...

it's only exciting if you're doing these things with me

2011-01-31T19:07:00.004+08:00

the swedish guy is one who makes new year resolutions. they are generally in the form of deciding that he's going to learn or do something new or doing something more (like travelling) or less (like drinking).

which is why i wished him happy new year a few weeks ago when the new year was still relatively new. i was curious to find out what was he intending to learn or do this time.

he is probably one of the people i've met who was the closest to what i wanted in general. we always had fun and it was with him where i got the chance to do different things be it watching a bollywood movie or dancing to the wilbury twist by the travelling wilburys or laughing as we watched the entire season of fawlty towers or watching casablanca, one of the old classic movies i always wanted to watch, or lying on his bed talking bout books and life, exchanging book suggestions (which is how he got to read a book from my favorite medical thriller genre and i read the philosophy book, zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance) or playing mini golf or dancing salsa by the roadside. of 'coz there was also the cuddling and making out.

he just had this amazing zest for life. to me, that was always the most attractive thing bout him. the energy. i miss being with a person like that.

unfortunately he was also someone who was so busy doing so many other exciting things that he didn't have time to include me in his life. or more likely, he didn't care enough to.

you can't deny it, it's all around me

2011-01-26T13:51:00.001+08:00

lately it feels like the stories in the live of friends surrounding me have to do with "sparkage". from the other jo to the ungirly hottie to my best friend's sister. all lamented on the lack of sparks in their current partner. some of them moved onto to meet other people they shared some sparks with but who were obviously only out for a good time and wasn't settling down material. another joined an online dating site where the only option was to list that she was single and met up with a few guys for the fun of it.

i've been trying to pin down what do people exactly mean by a lack of spark. is it just a physical thing? is it something you just can't pinpoint but you know it when it is or isn't there?

the alpha boy is physcially attractive to me. in general i think he's yummy and i'm happy to be in his arms. but do we have passionate love? i don't think so. we never had that honeymoon period that so many couples claim to have had. we've always been pretty much just like this, couply enough but not honeymoony. any other "passionate love" i had in the past was only physical and nothing much else.

but is the alpha boy the best match for me in other ways? honestly, i don't think so either. we have vastly different personalities with him sometimes being too intense and negative nelly for his own good, and mine. there are also times where i think he's kinda boring. but i also know that he loves me and he treats me well. is that enough?

but it's the night commute that tells you the most

2011-01-25T23:18:00.000+08:00

i was sitting on the bus on my way home. it was pretty crowded considering it was past the usual rush hour traffic. after a while, sometimes you tend to see familiar faces on the bus. almost like you know them and yet not.

he came up the crowded bus. i noticed him 'coz he's a fairly attractive man and this time standing out even more in his suit in a sea of "casual" office dressers. it didn't take me long to identify him as the very same man from a previous morning and evening commute.

i thought that he was alone as he usually was all the other times i saw him on the bus. it was only after the crowd cleared a lil and he made his way closer to where i was seated that i noticed the tall lady leaning her chin on his shoulder and wrapping her arm around his waist from behind, the glint of her wedding band catching my eye. even though i couldn't see it now, i remembered that the man sported a wedding band too.

right off i noticed that something was off. while she was hanging onto him he didn't seem to care much bout her. he shifted positions, turning his body and looking straight ahead with her facing his side. i saw her move her lips and speak (though it was too crowded to hear any conversation) but didn't see much response from him.

suddenly he moved away abruptly and walked up front to talk to the bus driver. he seemed to be there for a long while and upon peering to see what he was doing, i realised that he had since settled in a happy conversation with 2 girls up in the front of the bus. the lady who was still rooted in her spot did not look pleased. he came back to join her and once again i saw her move her lips and speak. i may not have heard a word but the unhappy expression on her face said it all.

soon after both of them alighted from the bus. and for me it was just another moment spent observing someone. someone who i know and yet don't know at all.

this is something i know very well

2011-01-25T11:33:00.003+08:00

it was some time in june when my best friend's sister broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years. a month over later she moved away for school. and by september found herself a new boyfriend after a random makeout in the club.

recently, she broke up with this new boyfriend of around 4 months. that very night itself saw her engaging in another random makeout with a new guy who she is now interested in.

she admitted that the new ex boyfriend was the sweetest nicest person around (as evident from some of the nice things i heard him do which included cooking dinner and then driving over to her friend's house to bring the food to her and her friend while they were working late on an assignment), but she found him boring and claimed that they lacked that "spark". while she was physically attracted enough to want to kiss him, that was all she wanted to do. however with this new guy, she can't get her hands off him.

i've seen pictures of both guys. and frankly, the new guy is cuter. not that the new ex boyfriend wasn't cute in his own right. but the new guy was definitely cuter. but he also seemed like that typical cute guy who was out for a fun time.

she lamented that after that first night of making out he didn't contact her. to be honest i'm not even sure if he asked for her number to begin with or she voluntarily hinted (as she sometimes would) that he should ask her. after not hearing from him for a week, she decided to drop him a text. they then went out partying in a group where more making out ensued once again. this time she tipsy-ly telling him that if he wanted to go out with her, he had to contact her. a few days had passed when she told me this and he still didn't contact her.

she admitted that she wasn't used to this. usually the guy would contact her and things would just work out. but to be fair, even though she's dated plenty and partied before, this is the first time she's truly out there in the clubbing scene as a single girl. a scene and situation i know very well. and there's plenty more where that came from.

at least make sure the cake is good to begin with

2011-01-23T21:21:00.000+08:00

i was supposed to have met up with the ungirly hottie bout 2 weeks ago. but since the impromptu arrival of her new guy where he decided to drop by to this little side of the world while on his extended vacation, meeting her pretty much flew outta the window.

this weekend however, she decided to throw a small house party where i got to see her (relatively) new place for the first time since she bought it and moved in bout 3 months ago. as it so happens, her new guy was still there before he would eventually move on in his travels 'coz as he said so in his own words, 2 weeks in one place is enough before it's time to move on to another place.

he seemed nice enough. but somehow, i didn't like him. my first instinct would be to say that he seemed sleazy but at the same time that seemed a lil harsh. but there was undeniably something bout him that just didn't sit well with me. i couldn't understand why the ungirly hottie would have been so taken in by him. though that in itself didn't show that night. in a moment where we got a chance for a more private chat, she admitted that she didn't think that she would miss him when he leaves 'coz nothing that happened between them was real. he was just a fun times guy but when the going gets tough, she would have been annoyed by him.

i'm glad that she hasn't completely lost her mind. as predicted, he's simply not the kind of guy to settle down and definitely not someone to settle down with. and i have to admit that it freaked me out a lil when at one point when he was sitting down and i was standing next to him chatting in a group, he reached over and started grabbing and tickling my tummy. i'm not overly conservative in some ways and consider myself rather huggy veggy but i kinda think that's a strangely intimate thing to do when i only just met him and he's dating my friend.

yeah maybe sleazy is the right word afterall.

somewhere between dreams and destiny

2011-01-17T19:23:00.006+08:00

when drummer boy and i do get a chance to have an engaging conversation (and by that i really mean via IM), we do actually have a good time. perhaps it was the aftermath of having run into him after 2 years but recently i had a dream bout him.

it was a strange and hilarious dream. i don't even remember it all too clearly except that he was living on a boat or something like that and was a father of 3 kids with (no, not me!) his current girlfriend.

something as ludicrious as this meant that i had to tell him. and so i did. with us having a bit of a laugh. and admittedly with him initially thinking that he had those kids with me. ha! he wished!

so we had the ball rolling and the makings of a pretty good conversation going. it then turned into a topic of tarot card reading as an extension of what the bookstore was hosting that day i saw him.

i'm unsure bout these things. i know some friends who regularly gets a reading from some really spot on readers. in fact i myself have gotten a free reading nearly 3 years ago. the scary thing is that a fair bit of what the tarot card reader said to me then actually came true or at least seems to be coming true. both for love and my career.

in a rare moment of honesty (and probably 'coz i don't feel a thing now), i actually 'fessed up to drummer boy that the tarot card reader had told me bout him before he came into my life. yes, he was the guy i would meet and have that exciting relationship with but i would not be able to fully commit to.

but here's the scary thing... the tarot card reader also told me then that she sees my true love coming in a few years and he wouldn't be local. in fact she paused and pondered for a bit after saying that and then confirming again that she's pretty sure he wouldn't be local. i met the alpha boy at the end of that year. and he's local.

drummer boy said that sometimes the reading "expires" so to speak. and honestly i'm too rational and know too well to let such things control my life. but yet, it's something that i can't help but feel is hanging over my head. especially when a recent conversation with my mom (who has nothing against the alpha boy per se) had her mention that someone with my personality and type would have been better off with a non local guy who was open-minded, adventurous and seen the world. and when sometimes i actually agree with her.

go figure this whole things freaks me out a bit.

i'd say hi but i'd rather avoid the awkwardness

2011-01-16T15:18:00.001+08:00

the alpha boy and i decided to head to a different mall yesterday for a change. incidentally it's the place where i went with the drummer boy a lot when we were seeing each other previously and i found myself wondering if i would run into him there.

so i don't really mention it here but in the last 2 years that we stopped seeing each other, drummer boy and i have still somehow managed to keep in touch via IM. i've "dated" many guys before and never really kept in touch so it's funny how drummer boy and i did. then again our pseudo relationship was the closest i had to a relationship before the alpha boy so maybe that explains it.

so the alpha boy and i were walking past a bookshop when i realised that it was hosting a tarot card reading. bells went off since drummer boy had since gotten very involved in a tarot card reading group and that very bookshop is the place where drummer boy's girlfriend works in.

i peered in and instantly saw him. he looks pretty much the same. not that i actually thought he would change. i also saw his girlfriend. she looks pretty much the same as the pictures i've seen. she's short, on the heavier side and isn't particularly attractive. i've never been "insecure" bout her in the way that one might be "insecure" bout a new gifrlfriend of an ex. i would have definitely walked in to say hi... after he and i are friends... except that i didn't really want the alpha boy and drummer boy to meet.

later as the alpha boy and i were walking around, i saw drummer boy walking in the opposite direction. thankfully he wasn't paying attention and shortly turned to the same corridor leading to the bathroom that we were intending to go. i slowed my walking pace but we were still headed for that same bathroom except that at the last minute the alpha boy realised that it looked crowded and decided to try a different one in the mall. whew! that was a close shave. it's just one of things where if we all did meet, it would be slightly awkward.

but 'coz drummer boy and i technically are still in touch, i texted him a little later (still in the same mall) to say that i saw him.

i want to have my cake and eat it too

2011-01-11T15:10:00.002+08:00

the ungirly hottie has recently met a new guy on her vacation trip a few weeks ago. at that time she was kinda with another guy who was older, more stable, perhaps more boring? but it was this new guy that woke her up. suddenly she realised that she didn't want the old guy anymore. he didn't make her feel alive like the new guy.

the new guy makes her remember what passionate love is. she literally can't stop kissing him. she loves talking silly with him all night and laughing. how he would cook dinner at her place in nothing but an apron, waiting for her to come home. she declares it's true love every single moment being with him.

but he's 3 years younger, doesn't have any career but works odd jobs for money to travel and lives half a world away. they knew right from the start that it was just for fun. there wasn't a future to talk about.

so here's the thing. in all probability, this guy is not the kind to settle down with, that's assuming he can even settle down. it's probably as intense and passionate as it is simply due to the fact that everyone knows it can't last. and yet i can't help feeling a slight pang of jealousy that she found passionate love, a person that makes her feel alive.

i want that. but i also want the stability of someone who loves me and only me. is that too much to ask?

and once again i feel like i'm missing out on something...

some things are new, but some things are the same old...

2011-01-03T13:12:00.001+08:00

i'm rarely ever ready for new years. my first thoughts aren't towards the "oh yay it's a brand new year of possibilities" or the "this year is going to be even better" kind of varieties. not that i'm being pessimistic and don't think these things. but for the most part, my first thought is always how on earth did time fly so fast? and then i think of my ever increasing age and experience a slight "panic".

but yes, happy new year to everyone.

so far the new year hasn't been that bad.

the alpha boy came over on new year's eve where he cooked burgers and we watched decidedly unromantic dvds like conan the barbarian (of which i was stunned to find that there was nudity). new year's day itself, somehow we both woke up so early that we decided to go for a pancakes breakfast before heading back to nap.

while that was nice and all, i'm still a girl who needs to go out and be social (vs the alpha boy who shuns any social thing like the plague). and i decided that this girl needed to get out. so i met up with the ungirly hottie and a few other girlfriends for dinner at one of the girl's place. she cooked, we ate, we watched reality tv and then decided to head out for a drink at a lovely cafe/bar type place. except that we all drank tea or coffee. too funny. but it was an awesome time.

the second day of the new year rolled in and i made plans to have lunch with a good friend from post-grad school, her husband and some of his friends who i've met before. it was great. and to top it off, at the last minute, the alpha boy came over for dinner.

with all of this happening, i almost forgot... today is someone's birthday... almost, but not quite.

hello excitement, why have you left me?

2010-12-29T16:59:00.000+08:00

i woke up this morning to a status update from the "other woman" stating that she was married to her boyfriend of a few months who she upped and moved countries for after knowing him for less than a week on holiday while then still being in a less than a month long relationship with someone else back home.

of 'coz this brought bout a flurry of comments including question marks from the alpha boy and myself.

the "other woman" later dropped us an email to explain...

i'm not legally married.
we are just married through the power of love and commitment.
we did exchange vows while driving to work this morning though...

i said, do you *insert name of the "other woman"'s boyfriend* accept "insert name of the "other woman"* as your wife, blah blah blah... and he said i do, and i said i do too!

okay i'm sure i'm not the only one who thinks this is very strange indeed.

are normal people married through the power of love and commitment? and do normal people exchange vows while driving to work?

and yet she's the one getting all the excitement right? so maybe she is doing something right afterall?

i'm beginning to think i'm too darn normal for my own good.

even if i don't necessarily need it, it's always nice to know i still have it

2010-12-28T18:07:00.000+08:00

i was dressed in a new minidress yesterday in anticipation of meeting my new (now ex) party BFF (who really needs a new nickname so i shall now call her the sweet & simple girl 'coz she really is lovely). there are times when a girl dresses for another girl and this was one of them. i hadn't caught up with her face to face in months though our email excanges remained relatively strong.

it started out like any of our other dinner catch ups, with food, conversation and laughs. it was only when we decided to meet her pseudo boyfriend and his friends for a drink did things take a slightly different turn.

i bonded easily with one of his friends's girlfriend and seemed to get along relatively well with him and another of his guy friends as well. it's been a while but that night, i was well on my way to, what i call, my full sparkle mode. i was outgoing and witty, i was the girl with personality, the girl with charisma, and as it was later proven, i was also the girl who still had it.

since the days of ally mcbeal, i've been mildly fascinated by unisex bathrooms. this particular bar was one of the places that had one such bathroom. it also had one of those sinks where you had to step on a pedal to activate the running water.

there was a guy standing there. tall, built, relatively cute, i must admit. he stood there for some time waving his hands under the tap in an attempt to get the water running. unable to help myself, i came to the resuce of the gentleman in distress.

i informed him that he had to step on the pedal. he being cheeky asked me to help him to step on the pedal. i faltered for a minute as i made a joking remark but ultimately helped him. he thanked me as i jokingly made another remark and walked out with the sweet & simple girl giggling behind me.

we sat back down with our group and resumed our conversations over our nearly empty bottles of beer. that was when the waiter came round and set down 2 more fresh bottles stating that it was courteosy of that gentleman.

yes, i still had it, but since a boyfriend was also among the "things" i had, i didn't do much more than smile and say a word of thanks when the gentleman next walked past our table with a smile and his eyes fixed on me.

and i wasn't even wearing high heels.

she says "i love you"... he says "i love you more"

2010-12-22T14:36:00.001+08:00

the other jo and i met up last night for some sort of a christmas meetup and catchup. in one of our topics of conversation, she brought up that she might break up with her boyfriend again.

she previously broke up with him 'coz she wasn't sure if she felt the spark. a few months later of a rather strange break (if i may say so myself) where they were constantly in contact, they (inevitably) got back together. and now, not quite a year later, she's still unsure if anything has changed.

now, i don't think that one should necessarily settle and it's not that i don't think a physical attraction and chemistry isn't important. but at the same time i also acknowledge that sometimes, you really can't have it all.

the other jo's boyfriend is a really awesome guy who treats her well. she admits that she can be bratty and he puts up with that. and i'll be honest when i say that i'm not sure how many other guys would. having seen her with previous boyfriends before, i also realised that she was the most natural when she was with this current boyfriend.

sure, she can find someone who she has more sparkage with, but what happens if he doesn't love her as much as her current guy does? will she be perfectly happy with that? i feel like that's the question.

ideally both parties should love each other equally. but i'm not convinced that that's always the case. she inquired bout my relationship with the alpha boy and it was one of the rare times where i admitted out loud to someone else that i believe that he loves me more than i love him. not that i don't love him, but he loves me more.

and i don't exactly think that that's necessarily a bad reason to be with someone.

going there feels like coming home

2010-12-10T17:53:00.000+08:00

yes i know it's been a while. that's kind of what happens when i don't have any exciting dating stories to tell and also when i've been away on vacation.

oh it was a glorious 10+ days. away from home, work, with not a care in the world. i went to visit my good friend who very graciously put me up in her room. we had an awesome time together. i've never visited her there before. it's always been her coming back home that we meet up. and after this trip, i wonder what took me so long to go there.

i like to think our friendship deepened as well as we discussed boys and her impending divorce proceedings. we also met up with another girlfriend of mine who i haven't seen since she left to move back home 4 years ago. together we talked bout how hard it was to find a guy there. apparently it doesn't matter where you are, good guys always seem hard to find.

i also met up with the "other woman", who a few months ago decided to up and move countries in order to move in with a brand new boyfriend she met while on a one-week vacation (where incidentally she initially started out being coupled up with someone else for less than a month). surprisingly they are still together. he seems like a nice guy, very laidback, rather busy at work and a possible ability to zone her out, which i think could be part of the reason why, given her track record, they have lasted this long. but well i guess as long as she's happy.

that's what it's all bout anyway right? finding that guy that makes you happy. and goodness knows that's hard enough as it is. as much as i loved my vacation destination and could really see myself living and working there, it was nice to come back home to the alpha boy. now if only i can find some way to combine both...

of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine

2010-11-12T10:12:00.001+08:00

it wasn't a gin joint, more like a hospitality suite in an event related to my industry where i was there, as one might say, scoping out the comptetition. and she was really a he. and technically he didn't walk in, he was seated right there as i walked in.

his side was facing me which explained why i didn't see him at first. besides i was too busy making introductions around the table and sitting down for a chat. and then i turned...

i had to laugh. really i had to. and inside, i did. i hadn't seen him in over 2 years and then suddenly in the short timespan of less than a week, i saw him twice?!

he was with a lady, possibly a client. i'm not entirely sure why he was at the event to begin with since his work doesn't relate to mine at all. but that said, it's one of those events where people bring clients to schmooze with though it remains a mystery how he would have hooked up those hospitality passes as you can't exactly buy those. of 'coz they could have just come from her.

i heard him talk. at least just the sound of his voice. and i remembered exactly why i said that he wasn't that eloquent vocally. in fact it was worst than i remembered. i don't think i could have been able to listen to the sound of his voice for all posterity. i found myself imagining him saying mushy things. yeah, no thanks. i guess that kinda worked itself out.

i still find this funny. the world is entirely too small. especially in my town.

he was one of the ones with the only one date

2010-11-07T21:43:00.002+08:00

i may not be the girl all the guys want. you know, the kind of girl who always manages to get the guys falling over at her feet in order to just be in the long line of guys waiting to be her man. the kind of girl who inspires men to write songs and poetry. the kind of girl who gets to enjoy the attention of men who will contact her constantly.

that's not me. but that said, i am the girl who, assuming i'm even interested at all, is usually able to make a good enough first impression for a second date.

except for a select few guys. and the other night i ran into one of them.

the motivator happened during the time i was struggling to reconnect with the drummer boy. only a few months after the ad-man just upped and poofed on me despite months of extensive communication and weekly meetups which left me hurt, confused and with a sour taste in my mouth. he was someone where after reading his online dating profile, i had been excited to meet. imagine my elation when he actually seemed to respond favorably. it was hard to have a proper IM chat with him but the few that we had seemed promising.

the actual first date itself didn't start too well what with him not contacting me to let me know the plans till i contacted him after 5pm. but nonetheless, the rest of the evening went well. good enough for me to assume that we would have a second date 'coz afterall i normally get second dates right?

well i was wrong this time. we never really did contact much again. sure there was the odd IM that i initiated but soon after i realised that it was too forced and so i backed off. can't say that i didn't try.

since then he's never really been in my mind. though with the beauty of the online social utility site (of which he and i are on each other's friends list), i knew when he got attached 1-2 years ago and then subsequently engaged to the same girl a few months ago.

i saw them on friday night. she was as pretty as her photos showed. we almost looked like the same "type", only not quite. i've never seen him before since the first and only date. i was with the alpha boy who pulled me into a chocolate store in which they were in. i wonder if he saw me. and even if he did, i wonder if he would remember me.

i almost always remember them. maybe that's the side effect of blogging bout your dates. there's always something there to refer back to and trigger your memory. but somehow i feel that maybe they don't remember me. especially not when they're all happy and loved-up. afterall to them, i'm just a girl they went on only one date with. whereas for me, they're the ones who only wanted one date with me.

yours, mine and our habitat

2010-10-31T21:25:00.002+08:00

it's been over a month since my last post. i guess with having to spend the most of october based in another nearby location for work and with it being the craziest busiest time of work for me, it didn't leave me much time to sleep, much less do anything else.

but i'm back. and it was a good work trip where though as difficult as it was, eventually everything went well.

to celebrate, we all went out for team drinks well into the night, 2 nights in a row. and as the drinks flowed, on the company account to boot, it was a time of "personal sharing".

new brit guy at work (who really needs a new nickname since he's so not new): so do you have a boyfriend back home?
jo (thinking that she must have mentioned it before but oh well maybe he's just making sure): yeah
new brit guy at work (who shall now be nicknamed "wayne rooney" since he looks like him): are you guys going to stay together?
jo (thinking this is a slightly strange question 'coz really who can guarantee such things right? but oh well he has had like 4 beers by now): er... i guess so?
"wayne rooney": you don't sound very sure... you mean you don't wanna live with him?
da boss woman who jo loves very much: yeah you should always stay together first. i lived with my husband for 5 years before we got married.

and then jo sees the light.

cohabitation. i don't know. i mean practically i can see why it makes sense. you're already spending so much time together, you can't stand to be apart from each other, you're already jumping each other's bones. it makes sense. but at the same time i can also see why it may not be such a good idea. both of you still need some space. statistically (and there must be some stats somewhere...) couples who cohabit don't eventually marry. and not to be all negative nelly but what happens if you guys break up? it can get complicated.

with me and the alpha boy both coming from conservative families who will certainly have heart attacks and disown us should we even think of cohabiting before marriage, the idea of living together first has never been an actual consideration. but i do wonder... what's everyone else's take on this?

i feel like i'm watching an episode of the bachelor

2010-09-27T17:34:00.002+08:00

sometimes with time, things get clearer. guys who at that time you thought you were totally into could ultimately spark the reaction within yourself wondering how on earth did you ever get so smitten?? with other guys, as time passed, you've completely forgotten all bout them.

so there's this guy that i knew in the beginning of the year. i've acknowledged that if i were single, i would date him. we still continue to talk, and by that i really just mean email or IM. somehow it's still undeniable that we do kinda get along but it is also increasingly becoming more apparent that if armed with the knowledge that i have now, i may not have been that keen to date him even if i were single.

he's still serial dating up a storm. and i don't judge people who invite (relatively) new dates back to their place or to go away on a trip with them. he doesn't even strike me as too sleazy though that's generally not my thing and chances are i don't trust those who do this on a regular basis.

so he's starting to have some of those girls on his rotation try to initiate a dtr (define the relationship) which he's not really having any of. i think what gets me is that i feel like he's one of those guys who (unknowingly? purposely?) leads girls on and 'coz he's as attractive and articulate as he is, those girls get smitten way easily.

maybe that's just a sore point with me but i don't think that's right. i found myself rooting for the girls who decided he wasn't worth all of this and have cut him off. girls who he said himself were "definitely maybes". who wants to be a definitely maybe, especially when you obviously liked him enough and was being led on a wild goose chase enough to actually initiate the dtr. i've pretty much told him what i think though i also do think that there's nothing wrong with serial dating, it's just that you have to take into consideration the signs you're putting across.

with all this, i realised that if i were still single, yes i would have still wanted to date him. but it probably would have come to the same ending as everyone else that i dated before. and for this, i'm glad to be with the alpha boy. there was very little drama involved in that when we got together.

gosh i feel old

2010-09-15T13:31:00.000+08:00

i've only been 30 for bout a month but it's strange how i've started magically thinking that people in their 20s are young. or perhaps it's just those people who behave immaturely 'coz in my defense, i was never actually that young before.

it must be some version of the same for those in their 40s... when they see 30-somethings.

the angel is in her 40s and divorced. i met her a few years ago through the ungirly hottie. she would sometimes come along to party with my (now ex) party girl, the yummy mommy and the ungirly hottie. it was only earlier in the year that i got "closer" to her.

on saturday the ungirly hottie, the angel and i caught up for dinner. it was a nice dinner filled with laughter and conversation bout girly things and some other just plain strange things. there are times when i really do miss just hanging out with the girls on the weekends.

the ungirly hottie was really tired from a trying few weeks at work, pleaded exhaustion and headed home. since it was a rare night out, i decided to "relive my single days" and join the angel for her friend of a friend's birthday house party.

he's an aussie guy and the place was teeming with aussie guys though there were at least a few from south america. the wonderful mix of nationalities was reminiscent of my single days of partying where i felt strangely most at home hanging out with people from around the world.

the angel and i got settled talking to an older aussie guy. he's not really old per se but in a place full of young ones in their 20s, he being (possibly) in his 30s probably stuck out like a sore thumb. the angel seemed to be interested in him.

i've learnt that the angel is if nothing, gutsy. she puts herself out there. i've seen it before. she doesn't come off slutty or desperate but just interested. and if you know the guy she's interested in, she isn't shy either to ask you bout him even if she only just met you. maybe that's what happens when you're single at her age. you just don't waste any time playing games.

she seemed a bit disappointed that the older aussie guy didn't give her his namecard when he gave it to me ('coz i was going to be making a vacation trip to a town where he previously lived in for 2 years and he told me to email him for travel tips) but that didn't stop her from boldly asking to add him on the online social utility site. he might have hesitated. but then relented as she whipped out her phone to find him online right there and then.

come monday i decided to email him and add him as a friend as well. when he accepted my friend request, i checked out his profile and realised that he's married with a baby. i immediately texted the angel who later called me to say that she wanted to tell me as well.

we came to the conclusion that maybe that's why he seemed so "proper and well-behaved" which is a compliment to him. it's sad when we're both jaded enough to admit that in all probability most of the guys we seem to meet (is it just us?) fool around. the angel, like her moniker suggests, isn't that sort and doesn't want anything to do with guys who are. she's a lovely woman who looks younger than her age but it must be hard for her especially when most guys seem to be preoccupied with younger women in their 20s. heck, if i were honest with myself, i'd say that if i were in the market, it wouldn't be easy for me either.

ring ring, reality's calling

2010-08-24T18:00:00.003+08:00

i like to think that i'm a relatively good girl. relatively. but i have to admit that in the past i have certainly not always exercised the best of my discretion. i have taken part in some pretty common behavior and made some pretty common "mistakes", all in the course of casually dating.

dating the alpha boy has been good for me. especially since he's as proper as he is. he made me realise that not everyone was just like the people i was familiar with in the party scene, that there were indeed other people out there who weren't players engaging in random behavior.

since then i've also had time to personally reflect upon my own past behavior, acknowledge the mistakes i made and to be responsible for my dating failures. maybe this is making me more sensitive to what i may deem as other people's dating mistakes.

the "booty caller" is one such train wreck. he and i got to know each other online almost 2 years ago. time has since flown by and though we chat online occasionally, we've never met up in person. initially i would have, until i started feeling like all he wanted to do when we met up was to make out with me. and while i may have engaged in random making out before, i feel it's kinda strange and somewhat pressurising to have a relative stranger tell me that online. i probably didn't immediately block and delete him maybe 'coz somehow he amused me with his conversation bout girls.

recently he IMed me and shared that he just got laid. brilliant. power to you mate. now, he's shared before that he's slept with around 40 women which he doesn't consider to be a lot. me being the prude, thinks that that's a heck of a lot. but i don't judge 'coz frankly i don't care. and i care even less bout him. that's all well and good and all except that he finds the need to then whine that the women he's been with were just using him for his body and how he feels used.

hello? reality check? it's not like he was an unwilling party in all of this. sure, the girls may have proposed the one night stands and subsequent friends with benefits situations but in which part of this did he not get a say?

when i called him out on this, saying that he isn't exactly taking sex seriously anyway and therefore probably exactly isn't in the position to "complain", he protested that he does and that he is just "spreading the love" (and by the way, eww, if i may say...). yeah that still doesn't hold any water. he claims that he wants to find a girlfriend and all that but seemed surprised when i pointed out that maybe his actions doesn't really make him seem like a good boyfriend material. afterall as much as you're choosing someone, someone is choosing you too.

dating can be hard but i'm pretty sure last i checked, nothing says "date me" like promisciousity...not.

let's have a birthday recap

2010-08-17T10:43:00.002+08:00

i've learnt to realise that sometimes the "problem" with starting celebrations of your birthday early is that when the actual day rolls along, not many people actually remember it.

it was really sweet of my (now ex) party girl to text me right at the stroke of midnight despite being half a world (and timezone) away. she said that she wanted to call but ran outta credits. but i did have long distance calls from my good friend (the one who is going through a divorce) and another friend who i met through another friend and have been getting closer to her lately (mainly 'coz i found out that she's interested in attending the kind of work events i do and also 'coz work had me making relatively frequent flights to where she's currently based for work). while my best friend did not call me long distance, i did get a text from her bright and early in the morning.

and of 'coz the online social utility site is awesome as it broadcasts one's birthday to the world at large hence ensuing that i had a whole array of birthday wishes. still, it's nice.

anticipating a busy day in the office, i didn't take a day off. i was greeted with birthday wishes and had a card and cake presented by the company as well as a gift from my immediate boss. she's lovely. i really like her.

after a busy day at work, i headed out for dinner with the alpha boy. my joking suggestion of "are you going to get me flowers?" was met with a "i couldn't find a shop" when we saw each other. we went dutch for dinner (which okay fine, he did spend a fair bit already on friday). we did nothing else.

it was like any other day, only i suppose it wasn't exactly supposed to be...

it's my party and i'll sip mojito if i want to

2010-08-16T17:02:00.001+08:00

i can't believe how fast time flies. but today marks the date where i can officially say that i've walked the earth for 3 whole decades. i've gone a level up, i'm no longer a 20-something, something that i've known for the last 10 years.

in honor of turning the big 3, i thought it was fitting that i had a "big" bash. friday night turned out to be great. i haven't had a party with all my different friends since i was 21. it was interesting to note that for the most part, no one who attended my 21st birthday, was still around for my 30th. (though i did invite a few old school friends but they were unable to make it and of 'coz my best friend has since moved far away) we all sat around drinking our yummy mojitos and chatting as well as watch one of my single guy friends try and hit on a few of my single girl friends. too funny. it was a very nice chilled out time that ended before midnight. what a shocker... since given a few years ago, birthdays would have been all bout partying and getting tipsy. i guess that's what happens when you grow older...

the rest of the weekend was just as sedate as the alpha boy joined in for dinner celebrations with my family and other assorted family time.

but what really took the cake was cake-cutting in the office (yes i actually went to work today)... it is another colleague/friend's birthday later in the week and the office people decided to do a joint celebration for us. that meant having a cake with 59 candles. brilliant, i now know how it feels to be 59. let me take one step at a time...

here comes the bride...

2010-08-07T11:53:00.001+08:00

... well okay not quite.

but according to a tickle test i took years ago, i should have been walking down that aisle on this very day. nevermind that i only remembered it 3 years ago. 3 years should have been plenty for me to find a groom, plan a wedding and get married. i have no idea why i haven't been able to meet this date.

you know, it's kinda funny but sometimes you feel like age is catching up and you think that you really probably should get married soon except that if you really think bout it, you find that you really don't feel ready at all. that must be why 3 years later and i'm still unmarried. well i suppose i'll get there... eventually.

the evening commute can be just as eventful

2010-07-16T09:50:00.001+08:00

i was tired out from a tiring day at work that lasted longer than i expected and i was rushing home to meet up with the alpha boy. per usual i wasn't quite paying attention as i was in the bus ride until i saw a familiar face turning his head as he stood at the door bout to alight at the next stop.

i'm pretty sure that it was the guy from the morning commute making another appearance! and i'm also pretty sure that once again he was looking at me... or the older and decidedly less attractive woman seated next to me.

once again in what i have now come to recognise (after 2 chance meetings) as his true style, he turned back to face the front, got off the bus and didn't give me a backwards glance.

and again i say, tease!

i remember at the last world cup...

2010-07-12T09:38:00.001+08:00

i've always been into the world cup and make it a point to catch the key matches especially from the knockout stages. as each new world cup starts or concludes, i find myself thinking back on how time has just flown by since the last world cup 4 years ago and it seems like i knew almost just exactly what happened at that time. since the world cup has just concluded, i thought it appropriate to reminise on the last world cup fever in 2006...

the opening match in 2006 saw me sitting in the somewhat "sister bar" of cozy hole-in-the-wall bar watching it. that was where i ran into dj guy after not having seen him in a while and probably where things started again as we shared our first kiss (albeit a peck).

as the world cup continued on, i found myself in europe on vacation with my family, spending most of my time in france where i caught most of the matches. anyone who remembers the last world cup would have known that france went all the way to the finals so imagine the celebrations each time france won a game. it was an amazing atmosphere.

after the end of the final match, i was headed for london where i spent some time with my london guy friend. i didn't expect to spend half as much time with him. and i certainly didn't expect to wind up having half that amount of feeling that i wound up having for him. but nonetheless it was a fabulous time.

by comparison this world cup was far more sedate. i didn't share any first kisses, i didn't travel anywhere and i didn't wind up fancying anyone new. but i did spend my first world cup fever being attached, even if the alpha boy doesn't actually watch the matches...

this is where we've been and look where we're going

2010-07-06T15:50:00.005+08:00

it's amazing how time flies. this blog has been home to my thoughts on dating and relationships for the last 4 over years. and it's grown to become a special and important part of my life which i hide from everyone else in my "real" life.

recently i've been reading through my past entries, looking back on where i've been, how far i've come and it's been an interesting walk down memory lane. some random guys i could hardly remember, others who i wondered what on earth came over me to be so smitten with them, and a few that back then took a shine to me.

but i suppose for the most part, there's no real loss. the guys themselves have moved on. most vanished completely from my life, a select few who i still "keep in touch" with (or at least i still could if either of us wanted to) as technically they are still on my IM or online social utility site friend list, and some others who i make a point to know what's going on in their lives even if they don't always know it (yes, i "stalk" haha!).

it was in mid-walk of this memory lane that i decided to try and hunt down past people that i "dated" randomly, basically the boys that i've mentioned here in the last 4 years. some of them i already pretty much knew where they were at now but others weren't on my friends list (and even after hunting them down, i still wasn't intending to add them) and i thought it would be interesting to try and see if i could even find any information on them.

and here are the results of my find:

dj guy - i may not have seen or talked to him in at least over a year and even back then he was already engaged. but from my own nosy sleuthing i know that he's since broken up with his fiancee and has a new girlfriend.

london guy friend - he's on my friends list which have led me to find out that his (i think) german girlfriend gave birth to their son in february. they got married a month later. seems like the wedding must have been quite a surprise to even his friends.

texas curly - based on our last email "communication" in january, he told me that he got married in april 2008. he's also since started a tailor shop making custom made suits. a lil research (it's not really considered snooping if he gave me his company name to begin with haha!) showed that he came in second place in a new entrepreneur of the year award and made me even more impressed. i also found him on the online social utility site and couldn't see much other than his profile pic of a fun picture with him and his gorgeous wife. did i mention that she's gorgeous? i thought for a very long time (and trust me, i really did) and in the end decided to add him to my friends list... and hope he never really wonders how on earth i found him online...

marvy's setup - i found him on the online social utility site and couldn't see much other than his profile pic. he's looking good though (to be fair, he always looked better in pictures than in real life) and also looks like he's happily attached / married. i'm not sure if she's the "love of his life" from china that he met right after he got set up with me.

(now ex) key account executive - i keep in touch with him on IM every now and then when he signs in. bout a couple of years ago he had a kid but is still continuing to battle marital woes.

the aussie podiatrist - i couldn't find him on the online social utility site and for some reason, i was determined enough to dig up something that i googled him. i didn't realise that he's been responsible for giving the expert's opinion on certain podiatry related press releases. i found out that his (now not so) new workplace is actually rather close to mine. there was also a picture of him. he's not looking as good as before... i think he's balding.

family friend's setup - i'm still in contact with the friend who set us up and very occasionally i drop an IM to say hey to my family friend's setup (in fact just after writing bout him, i dropped him another IM). but from our friend, i found out that he has a slightly on/off girlfriend. our friend doesn't even know what's going on. sometimes it's good, then it's off, then it's on again. apparently she's a great girl though.

the french banterer - i found him on the online social utility site and was surprised that we have 2 mutual friends (though i only really consider one of those girls my friends. i'm pretty sure he knows her through work.) i browsed through a few of his photos. somehow he looks different or maybe i just can't recognise him anymore. i'm unsure bout his relationship status though.

poet guy - i found him on the online social utility site and was surprised that we have a mutual friend... incidentally it was my uni classmate that i "dated" who since got married to our uni classmate. i couldn't see much other than his profile pic but he looks like he's happily attached / married.

chatty triathlete - i found him on the online social utility site, and as expected, we have a mutual friend in the form of my friend's (who was formerly based in dubai who subsequently became my colleague) husband. and as i heard, i saw evidence in photos that he got married in dec 2009, a year after he got together with her. he doesn't look too bad but i'm still definitely way cuter than her.

the serious one - not that he's important but i've been running into him recently near wherer i work in town. in any case, he's on my friend's list and it was there that i learnt that he's engaged. i think she works near my workplace.

drummer boy - the only one who i'm actually quite in touch with over IM. and well i already mentioned that he's thinking of getting married in 3-5 years time.

the swedish guy - the last time i saw him was in december 2009. that said, i do think bout him every now and then. he's on my friends list and ever so often i'd see a status update stating that he was off to another one of his short holidays. i still think that's the main reason why we didn't get more serious. he claimed that he was ready for a girlfriend, but his lifestyle showed otherwise.

i guess the main theme is that almost everyone that i "dated" in the last 4 years is now coupled up be it married, engaged or just attached. it's good to know that i didn't remain completely single either.

this has definitely been one very interesting nostalgic walk.

at the expense of looking like the jealous evil witch

2010-07-02T12:16:00.002+08:00

i've mentioned a number of times before that the alpha boy has an ex girlfriend who he is very close to. in a nutshell, he and the "other woman" were together for a few months bout 8 years ago but a few years after that, has since maintained a close friendship.

we've all hung out together a couple of times and i do like her and while she has since stopped calling him to chat or asking him to meet up as much as before (and trust me, previously it used to be phone conversations every other day for hours at a go), she still does so with a frequency that i've never been comfy with.

the alpha boy knows this. he doesn't initiate it but mostly goes along and indulges her in a number of phone conversations. i'm not thrilled but i mostly tolerate it. i know that neither is interested in the other and that would never happen again. it's just that they are really good friends and it's also just the way she is, super friendly in a gushy kind of way.

last night another the "other woman" situation came up. apparently a few years ago, she had some operation and he went with her to see the cardiologist. now she feels like maybe there's a relapse of her previous problem and has asked him (i don't know exactly when she asked him but i only heard it last night) to accompany her again today in the middle of the afternoon. his work can be sometimes somewhat flexible but essentially this could mean that he would be taking some time out just to go with her at 3pm.

of 'coz i realise that this is a somewhat potentially serious health issue and i don't want anything bad to happen to her. and yes, it's nice that the alpha boy would be there for his friend like that. but on the other hand, i can't help it, but i feel really weird bout this. i don't know why she doesn't have any family or other friends (preferably female but i hear that she doesn't really have close girl friends, i wonder why...) to go with her.

i did sorta make some comments which would have clued the alpha boy in that i wasn't really pleased bout this. but at the same time i know this visit to the doctor is kind of a big deal for her.

i like to think that i'm not completely irrational but yes, i can't help it that i feel weird bout this and it's bothering me. even if i were to say something to him bout it, i don't even know what exactly to say so that i don't just seem crazy, jealous and mean spirited. sigh.

here's looking at my changing marriage timeline

2010-06-28T10:45:00.003+08:00

i've always wanted to get married. ever since i was a wee child, i knew that i wanted that happily ever after with a guy. what changed was the age at which i thought was marriage appropriate.

it started out with me thinking that 24 - 26 years old was the ideal age range. that notion stayed with me for the longest time... until i started drawing near to that age... marriage was nowhere in the cards. it's kinda hard when you don't even know anyone remotely possible needless to say have an actual boyfriend.

it was then that i revised my age range up by a few years to 26 - 28 years old. there, i thought that was more achieveable. surely i would be more matured and more settled by then. afterall my mom married at 28, i too should be able to hit that age. yeah well think again... there was still nary a boyfriend in sight and i had gotten too used to the single partying lifestyle and was accustomed to hanging out with my single party girlfriends who were in their 30s.

i decided not to think bout it too much but secretly probably pegged the age range to be 30 - 32 years old. in less than 2 months time i turn 30. the big 3. yes, i have a boyfriend of over a year. it looks entirely possible that i could meet my twice-revised to-be-married age range. except that strangely enough, all of this scares me.

i realised that i don't feel old, despite knowing the truth and truth is, i am kinda "old". but i suppose besides looking at least a good 5 years younger than my actual age, i sometimes have a bit of a peter pan complex (even though at the same time, in my typical contradictory manner, i'm rather mature). and oddly enough, i still feel young. too young to settle down in marriage. i feel like so much of my life is still up in the air. i still have a ways to go in my career. i'm not ready for marriage and the responsibilities that come along with it. things need to change but in some ways i'm happy right where i am.

somehow it was strange to hear that drummer boy was talking bout marriage with his current girlfriend of a year. they aren't looking to get married as yet, but it's in the cards in the next 3-5 years. well that's some planning there i suppose as they are starting to look for a suitable place to buy.

the alpha boy and i have talked bout marriage. he more than me. in such conversations, the time frame seems to be in the next 1-2 years though neither one of us are actually planning anything in order to hit that mark. and since there is a fair bit of planning to be done, i'm half likely to think that it's either he suddenly makes a ton of money such that finances isn't an issue or it's a really really small relatively unplanned wedding or marriage in the next 1-2 years wouldn't be possible. i'm not sure what i think of it all. i'm happy with the alpha boy in exactly the stage we are at now.

i still want to get married. that never changed. i just think that perhaps i'm scared to even think of taking that step towards that big giant leap and i still need some time to wrap my head around it.

you be carrie and i'll be charlotte

2010-06-24T09:51:00.000+08:00

it's been nothing short of fabulous having one of my good friends in town for the last few weeks. with most of my close friends one by one moving miles away, it's much appreciated when i once again seem to have some semblance of a social life.

the reason why this particular friend of mine has been back more often of late is 'coz she's going through a divorce. in fact, she's thinking of perhaps moving back. selfishly, i would love to have her back again. though of 'coz it's sad bout the divorce, even though she was the one who called it quits and frankly is totally over it.

our conversations lately have been mainly on her crushes and essentially me living vicariously through her as she goes through all of this. she never really dated much before she got met her soon-to-be ex husband 8 years ago so this dating thing is still all very new to her. and well, i have "loads of experience" in that area.

it was also really interesting to find that she was refreshingly open when we talked bout sex. in fact it was her who brought up some "taboo" topics. it was just like our own 2-party sex and the city type conversation. i'll definitely miss her when she leaves in a few days time.

i'm so popular that i have a stalker

2010-06-21T17:07:00.001+08:00

it's always a drag having to wake up bright and early on monday mornings to head back to work. and it's always bad to wake up to the sound of your phone ringing. now combine that together. and add an unwanted phone call to the mix. not the best way to start the first day of the week.

i must have mentioned in bits and pieces before but i think i should give some background information first. prick04 and i were classmates some 13 years ago. we were nothing more than just casual friends for over 2 years before by some twist of (evil) fate, we reconnected via a mutual classmate. we then started somewhat dating. there started the series of on/off summer dating as i would call it since he left to study overseas and would only come back during the summer holidays.

we had our ups and downs and upside downs but come 2004, after a massive crash and burn and blatant disrespect of which i still feel is too personal to go into, i deemed prick04 the biggest prick i've ever met.

throughout my time "with" him, i've been on the receiving end of some rather annoying prank calls from a private number. i've always suspected it was him but never had any proof. i attempted to get to the bottom of this but to cut a long story short, i was unable to get the sufficient evidence i needed to start the long process of finding out that private number. i just bout gave up. i could have changed my number but there were too many people who knew my number, who i needed to know my number for work reasons that i decided not to change it. besides the prank calls stopped being as frequent.

we stopped contacting each other for 2 years. until i received a card from him apologising for everything. i took 3 weeks to reply and was gracious bout it but did not express any desire to keep further in touch. except that our appearance at a class reunion made it difficult not to. i thought he changed and almost started reconsidering especially when he expressed a non wavering interest in me.

yeah right. he also went on to ask my oldest school friend (who was our classmate but i've known her for a good 4 years before he did) out and they made out. (yes i realise some friend she is eh) i went back to thinking that i really didn't need all this crap.

then came the newspaper report, the one that said that he was charged for indecent exposure. that just bout cemented it for me that there was no way on earth that i ever wanted to see him, talk to him or be vaguely associated with him.

annoyingly enough, i have since run into him before and had to deal with him attempting to add me as a friend on the online social utility site. but i never really had to deal with another prank call... until now...

where he breathed "jo i miss you" and i told him, as i should have told him a long time ago, to eff off.

it's just that one fleeting moment

2010-06-18T16:02:00.003+08:00

i don't usually take a flight alone. generally it's mostly with family or friends or colleagues. but if you can get past the loneliness of it all, sometimes it's a rather nice thought to be alone on a flight. for the most part, my solo flights have lead to some pretty good conversations.

recently i went on day business trip which required me to take a 1-hour flight to my destination. on the flight back i was alone as my boss was staying a night. maybe 'coz it was a short flight or maybe 'coz people around the area aren't naturally too friendly to strangers, it completely didn't occur to me that i might actually have a friendly flight neighbor.

he was already seated at his window seat when i arrived to place my laptop in the overhead compartment. i plonked next to him in the middle seat that i chose. my boss was supposed to have occupied the isle seat next to me before she changed her plans and i didn't know if that seat had now been taken up by another passenger. but in the end it wasn't. and i never shifted seats either.

before the plane even started up on the runway, the guy turned to me and started up a conversation by asking if i would like him to turn off the aircon darts. i didn't. but that broke the ice. we had the usual conversation bout our reasons for being on the flight. and since mine was due to work, that pretty much led to talk bout my work.

now, my work is rather interesting. it's something that fascinates most people and guys in particular. and he declared me his best friend 2 seconds after he found out bout my job. we went on to talk easily bout various topics including the world cup. we joked around and he even slapped me on the arm of which i reciprocated by elbowing him back lightly. i suppose it was kinda strange for 2 strangers who just got to know each other.

the flight went by very pleasantly and faster than expected. we were just having such good conversation.

okay this is the part where i admit that i half thought that he would have asked for my email (perhaps not phone number as we did live an hour's flight apart) but he didn't. he offered to carry my laptop before we got lost somewhere between customs and the taxi stand.

i'm not entirely bothered bout it all. i mean i'm perfectly okay with this purely just being a good entertaining flight conversation. afterall, it's clear that he's done this many times before. and maybe only the guys who are interested in something more would have asked for my contact. i guess i just kinda wished that we got the chance to say a proper goodbye before we went on our separate lives never to see or hear from one another again.

let me tell you my thoughts on the morning commute

2010-06-15T15:27:00.007+08:00

for the most part, the times when i actually do take public transportation as my morning commute to work, is uneventful. i merely squeeze in with the rest of the blurry-eyed worker bees and zone out until i reach the office.

the morning started out just bout the same. except that halfway along the journey, this guy got on the bus. he looked kinda cute at first glance but my sharp eyes per usual honed in on his left hand. married.

just when i was bout to carry on my merry way drowning out the world, i caught him looking at me. he was possibly looking for seats but let's just go with my train of thought and say that he was looking at me.

i get distinctively uncomfortable when a cute guy looks at me. it's weird. my flight mode wants to kick in. that could be probably why i was single that long but let's not digress.

i felt even more uncomfortable when the cute guy decided to plonk himself right next to me. and what's up with him wearing all that lovely inviting cologne? i can be drawn in by my sense of smell (which normally isn't all that acute unless annoyingly enough, it's a man's cologne)... that's why i started to douse myself with perfume in order to ward off such olfactory advances. doesn't he know this??

the cute guy shifts around in his seat to get comfortable and inadvertently bumps shoulders and legs with me...

me (thinking): totally trying for some physical contact!

we sit there calmly...

me (thinking): i can't breathe. how the heck?! when was the last time i couldn't breathe in the presence of a cute guy? does this normally happen to me?? breathe breathe. i still can't breathe! thank goodness we are both plugged into our music or else he might be able to tell that my breathing isn't normal. okay maybe i should sing along to the music to myself to calm down.

we continue to sit there calmly.

i look at the passing scenery outside the window in order to give my nose a break from his alluring scent. i turn back to give my neck a break only to realise that he's in the process of turning to look as well and it ends up with him just bout facing my profile...

me (thinking): damn! my profile so isn't the best side of me. do i have a zit? with the sunlight hitting my face, he can see every single one of my pores!

we still sit there calmly...

me (thinking): hmm maybe i'm just working myself up for nothing. maybe he's not even that cute. maybe he's really old. hmm i wonder how old he might be...

a guy diagonally to the back of us coughs. i turn briefly to look at him but really that is just an excuse to check out if the cute guy's hair is weaved with white. it isn't.

me (thinking): it's my stop soon... you mean i have to actually try and squeeze past the cute guy to get out?

my stop comes round and turns out it's the cute guy's stop too.

me (thinking): stalker! haha!

he stands up, gets out and waits to cross the road, all without giving me a backwards glance.

me (thinking): tease!

maybe it is in our dreamscape that we bring the subconscious to the conscious

2010-06-10T10:27:00.001+08:00

lately my nights have been filled with strange dreams. last night was no different, only yet, it kinda was.

before i hit the sack, i was on the phone per usual with the alpha boy. sometimes he has this uncanny ability to say the most annoying things which is all the more annoying when i'm trying to tell him something else. last night was one of those times.

perhaps i went to bed irritated at him. and maybe that somehow shaped my dream...

he dumped me. i don't even remember how he said it. i was shocked. but i said okay. and asked if this is it. he nodded. what i do remember vividly is the aftermath wave of emotions. i've never been in an official relationship before. i've never officially been broken up. for the most part i imagine it to feel rather terrible but i wouldn't really know.

and now maybe i kinda know. the awkwardness. when i saw him and had to call him by his name instead of terms of endearments that i've gotten used to. the absence of physical intimacy. when it was no longer appropriate to kiss him hello and goodbye and the most i would ever get is a lackluster hug. and definitely no other physicality. the pain. when i know that i've lost him forever and there wasn't a thing i could do bout it but wonder how did i manage to lose him in the first place. the uncertainty. when i realised that this meant i had to be back into the market again and wondered if i would ever find someone or be destined to walk the earth alone.

i tossed and turned in bed, drifted in and out of consciousness.

the sound of my alarm clock ringing was almost a reprieve as i woke to reality. it was almost as though the universe was giving me a peek as to what it would be like if we weren't together. those aren't exactly just reasons not to be apart, but it made me remember other reasons to stay together. reasons why i chose him in the first place, reasons why i love him. reasons i hope to remember the next time i'm annoyed with him.

if it ain't broke, should we fix it?

2010-06-04T11:57:00.001+08:00

i'll admit that i'm slightly "affected" after hearing bout my best friend's sister's recent breakup. it's always a bit sad to hear that a friend has broken up with a partner especially if they have been together for a relatively long time and even more so if you actually like said partner. it always makes me kinda pensive and think bout relationships in general.

in this case, i find myself wondering bout contentment. as previously mentioned, she and her boyfriend had a mutual breakup 'coz they both felt that they needed to date other people in order to know if they are ever meant to be together. as we were discussing this, i wondered out loud to her if the "if it ain't broke. don't fix it" theory stood.

she wasn't unhappy in her relationship. if anything, they've always looked happy. granted they had their ups and downs (and at least one down of which i fully acknowledge that she was at fault) and yes, he seemed to have one of those mothers who was unhappy at any other girl "taking her son away" from her and hence did not seem to particularly fancy my best friend's sister. but there were reasons why i saw that relationship work for them.

it wasn't broke. so why fix it? did they have to break it to fix it? i don't know.

admittedly they are both young at 22 years old. perhaps way too young at this stage of their lifes to think bout happily ever after. but i don't see why they even necessarily have to though i also see the viewpoint that if they weren't meant to be then they have "wasted their youth".

i started wondering bout contentment vs settling. i've always told myself that i'm not the type to just settle. which is evident in the fact that i took a whopping 29 years to get attached to anyone at all. did i find my true happiness? or did i just finally give in to settling? that's not to say that i'm unhappy but just being honest in that the alpha boy has his own flaws which sometimes bug me to no end. but that's life isn't it? and sometimes i think you gotta be contented with what you have as long as you aren't unhappy. 'coz if you're not, you could find yourself perpetually wondering what's out there and if what's out there is better. it may be. but it's as likely to just not be either.

i IMed with the alpha boy briefly on the whole contentment vs settling thought. and he, the ever pragmatic and blunt one, said "settling is when your husband beats you, drinks but doesn't gamble". funny, but in some ways true i suppose.

all the single ladies

2010-06-02T11:01:00.001+08:00

last night i caught sex and the city 2 with my best friend's sister who (since she's 8 years younger) i've watched grow up and especially since my best friend moved away over 5 years ago, has since become a friend and movie buddy.

a lil background on my history with sex and the city... i somehow managed to avoid watching the tv series till it was past it's 5th season. not on purpose, i was just somehow never exposed to it and didn't too much bout it. it was only till i was based in an office where the after work hours included a short break in front of the tv and breaking out sex and the city season 5 dvds did i start to fall in love with the series.

i then made it a point to watch it from the beginning. it took a while but i managed to complete the entire series. being a single girl, i loved how it addressed all the issues of single women. i could relate to it. even though i was in my 20s, i hung out with my party girl and the yummy mommy who were in their 30s and seemed to live their life (though not half as glamourously) similar to the sex and the city ladies. sure, it probably did give me a dose of "girl power" though in my heart i kinda knew that i never really wanted to be those girls' shoes (at least not with their issues, their physical shoes however, a resounding yes).

i liked the movie. i'd go so far as to say that i probably liked it more than the first one. i especially liked how the movie showed progression. i reckon it wouldn't have been enough if it were simply stuck in the "single" mould. sure, there was still plenty of wild single sex (and most of it between samantha's thighs), but i felt that the movie dealt more with married life and the issues that comes along with it.

it was a good quality chick flick that i think even the guys getting dragged by their partners might somewhat appreciate.

to end the evening, my best friend's sister and i wound up having a pretty good chat over dessert where she informed me that last friday she broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years 'coz they both felt that they needed to date other people in order to know if they are ever meant to be together. and then i found myself explaining to her the challenges of dating and the single life in this day and age.

be still that lil extra beat in my heart...

2010-05-31T16:10:00.002+08:00

yes i'm attached, but no i'm not dead.

bout 6 months ago i got to know this guy. he's attractive, articulate and a lot of fun to converse with. strangely there were also parts of his personality that reminded me of the alpha boy. he knew that i was in a relationship and yet has always made his interest very clear though he's also serial dating up a storm. if i were single, i'd definitely consider going for him. except that perhaps 'coz i'm not, i don't find him as attractive as i think i would normally find him.

recently we've been emailing back and forth throughout the day a fair bit. it's usually funny and witty emails bout dating and life. he sent me his list of dates that he's been on in the past 6 months and emails to update on it.

in these emails and some IMs, we also talk bout other things. in the course, i found out that he's a drummer. i know i know, another drummer boy haha! and well, it's no surprise that i like musicians. plus having a soft spot for drums (i've always wanted to learn and in fact did learn a bit last year when i realised that i think i have some natural talent) meant that i "swooned" over this revelation.

in some weird way i think he validates me. having someone who i would have been interested in be interested in me is definitely an ego boost.

simply put, love is fattening

2010-05-26T23:26:00.001+08:00

much like the freshman 15, i think being attached makes you gain weight.

i used to be an avid runner, someone who joined pretty much all the races she could, a marathoner, you could say. fast forward to nearly 1.5 years later and i much pretty stopped exercising. it was just hard to fit that in together with relatively long work hours, trying to hold onto a social life and spending as much time as i can with the alpha boy.

my mid-section looks increasingly more like the united kingdom. my legs aren't as toned. my thighs wobble with cellulite. i may not have necessarily piled on the pounds but my jeans are certainly starting to feel significantly tighter.

now if you knew me in real life, you might not quite understand it. 'coz yes, i am still considered underweight. but while i do not want to lose weight per se, i just feel that my body isn't the way it used to be.

my excuse for not running has been that i have somehow managed to injure myself. in a way it's true as my neck and back have been feeling unaligned for the past year and causing me a certain amount of discomfort and pain. but the other part of the truth is that i've just been lazy which annoys me and yet...

the combined reasons of my lack of exercise annoyed me even more after i heard that the drummer boy spent the weekend doing a vertical marathon with his girlfriend. drummer boy. the boy who didn't ever exercise when we were "together". i definitely feel like a slob now.

so while i try and sort out my neck and back and get back on track, i'll just search for some comfort and reach for a piece of fried chicken... not (hopefully...)

some of the best conversations are had when tipsy

2010-05-16T22:51:00.001+08:00

i work in a job that though can be absolutely hectic at times, can also be a lot of fun. and a lot of that can be attributed to the fact that i'm happy to say that i simply have a crazy fun bunch of colleagues.

we don't do office parties too much, generally once a year, sometimes twice. but on friday we had an almost impromptu party with the purpose of finishing up a whole lot of wine that we had left over from an event. it was a great time and things started getting crazier as the lot of us ingested more and more wine.

the cute aussie guy of the namecard giving (who, to refresh everyone's memory, is my colleague) brought along his fiancee to the party. i worked with her in my job when she was previously a client contact and due to the ties she has with the company i work for, i have had opportunities to get to know her better and we get along pretty well. we hadn't caught up in a while and so we were just chatting away. somehow the conversation turned to mention cutie aussie (now ex) colleague who not only used to work in the company but is also a childhood friend of cute aussie guy of the namecard giving.

now i used to fancy cutie aussie (now ex) colleague. i like to think that i was never that obvious bout it but obviously i'm wrong. 'coz she then mentioned something along the lines of a definite sentence of "you like him". admittedly i panicked in my head for a moment wondering if all my time of attempting to play it cool never worked 'coz she's the second one (the first being another of my colleagues) who called me out on liking him. crap!

i deflected it all very nicely with a "i don't like him". well it's true... i don't like him now... and she started going on bout how he's single and how i should stay with him in my next trip to his side of the world (which in all likelihood i would wind up at at some point since it's where my best friend lives). so i expertly declared "but i'm not single".

like any true girltalk, she then excitedly started asking me bout the alpha boy. i extoled one of his greatest virtues which was his low propensity to cheat. she agreed wholeheartedly on the importance of that and confided that that's why she picked cute aussie guy of the namecard giving.

i was slightly uncomfortable. 'coz i have on rather good authority that he has cheated on her many times before. granted he probably didn't actually sleep with someone else but well, there's been other very questionable behaviors on business trips which would definitely count as cheating in anyone's books. but of 'coz i'm in no position to burst her bubble.

she also shared that she was annoyed that cutie aussie (now ex) colleague slept with best friend on the first day they met and didn't even bother calling her after. i must say that that kinda ruined my impression of him. though strangely i'm not entirely surprised that he would do something like that. not that he's necessarily a jerk per se, but just that i always got the impression that he wasn't looking to settle down in any way and in some way lacked the maturity in relationships.

i guess it kinda went back to the whole cheating thing and how it's always been something that i'm most worried bout given the statistics of people who cheat. and i mean guys as well as girls. which basically means that i too am worried that i would cheat, not that i necessarily would, but the truth is, there just isn't any guarantees. i suppose in a way it's good to worry bout yourself cheating so that you would be more aware to not put yourself in any situations which might cause you to do so. the alpha boy would never be able to forgive that. and frankly, i wouldn't be able to forgive myself either.

in honor of mother's day... this shall not be on mothers

2010-05-07T15:34:00.001+08:00

it's mother's day this weekend. and mothers are great and we should take this chance to especially appreciate our mothers and all that, but that isn't exactly what i wanted to talk bout. for me, this is a not-a-mother's day "celebration". and possibly TMI... but you've now been warned.

my cycle is generally somewhat regular though with bouts of hormonal funkiness caused mainly by stress. i may not think i'm that stressed, but apparently my body does. i've never really had to worry bout this. if it was late, then it was late. no biggie. it just meant that i got to enjoy more time sans cramps, bloatedness and inconvenience.

but then things changed when i found myself with a "regular partner". necessary precautions were taken and i honestly didn't think too much bout it. everything was fine... until i was over a week late...

well i've been a week late before, it's fairly common. afterall i have been stressed... that was my reasoning. but i couldn't stop the worried feeling inside, the constant thinking back on which were the days and the counting of any possible day that could have been the day. i wanted to know and yet i was scared to know. all i knew for sure was that i wasn't ready for all of this and for many reasons, this just wasn't the right time. never was there a time where i had to think squarely bout what i would do if... finally, i decided to take my very first test.

negative. awesome. i breathed a sigh of relief. but the instructions said that if you've got a negative result, you should wait for another 3 days before taking another test to confirm. i waited another week...

still nothing. i was sure that i was starting to feel the symptoms but there was nothing. then i went away on a family vacation for a week...

i hardly slept well. partly it was the unfamiliar surroundings and partly 'coz i just kept getting plagued by dreams of different scenarios. my subconscious mind was in overdrive. i came back home and promptly decided to take another test just to be absolutely sure.

negative. double awesome. so then what was freaking wrong with my body?? my mind started to wander to various illnesses that i honestly didn't think i had but really, who knew right? by then it had been over 3 weeks and nary a sure sign. i finally decided to see a family doctor...

i explained the situation to him, feeling slightly embarrassed at going into any kind of detail since he was my family doctor... and that means he's my family's doctor. he didn't seem too worried which made me less worried and gave possible explainations from a medical perspective. he prescribed some hormone pills that i had taken before to stop a prolonged visit and sent me on my way.

i'm not all bout the drugs and i was still feeling the symptoms of an onset so i waited for a few days...

still nothing. i gave up, gave in and took the pills for a week.

after that, there was a visit. i breathed a huge sigh of relief. finally, after over a month, my body has righted itself again.

so yes, while mothers are great and all that, i'm just glad that for now, i'm not a mother.

when he's gone

2010-05-03T18:16:00.001+08:00

the alpha boy was overseas most of last week for work. and in order to distract myself as well as to take advantage of the "free time", i've been trying to catch up with as many of my other friends as possible. a house visit to see a newborn baby, dinners, a birthday celebration and even a bit of partying.

while engaging in various conversations with them, the topic somehow inevitably turned to dating and guys. as i listened to stories of crazy ex-boyfriends or guys talking bout dating, it made me appreciate and miss the alpha boy a whole lot more.

now the alpha boy isn't perfect. there are some things bout him that annoy me. and i admit that sometimes my albeit partially commitment phobic self is a lil nervous at the thought of a more serious future with him. but i've always said that one of the very best things bout the alpha boy is that he's faithful and i trust him and he treats me well. of 'coz it also helps that he loves me a lot and i in turn, really do love that boy.

i feel like i'm just being reminded bout how hard it can be to find someone suitable. and it's that thought that makes it especially nice to be back in the alpha boy's arms again.

i ramble 'coz there are some things i'm not even sure how to put into words

2010-04-28T11:34:00.001+08:00

before i finally got attached, i was single for over 28 and a half years. i've dated a bit here and there since i was 17 with my dating history being slightly more here than there only after i turned 25.

so the thing is this, i've pretty much known what it's like to be perpetually single. the single mindset? that's easy for me to get into. i know the scene, the fun and the frustrations so well. now, i love being in a relationship in the whole warm, fuzzy, there's-someone-who-i-trust-and-can-lean-on kinda way but admittedly it's been hard on my other friendships.

i have friends. but i don't have heaps of friends. i never had. and since my best friend moved away years ago, it hasn't ever really been the same. but then i got close to my (now ex) party girl and it's been that way for the last 6 years. except that now she too is moving away.

i've met some other friends along the way, including the ones who i hang out with my (now ex) party girl like the yummy mommy and the ungirly hottie as well as others outside that circle. but increasingly i'm beginning to feel less a part of them.

my inability to spend every weekend with them anymore certainly must have played a part. i make it a point to get together with them as and when i can and ask them out as well but i just don't get asked out by them as often as i used to.

it's been bothering me. no doubt bout that. these sort of things have always bothered me. though in my rational mind, i kinda know that this is just how life is. besides i've always known that i didn't really want my life to turn out like theirs. not that there's anything wrong with being single in your late 30s but i've always just wanted my happily ever after with someone special. and while we should maintain our own friendships, nurturing a current romantic relationship kinda does take precedence.

i think it's just hard 'coz i have too many friends made primarily in the party scene. they are still basically in the same place in life as when i first met them. but i feel like i'm in a different place now. and yet the place where they are in is one that i'm all too familiar with. it's weird.

i can't believe how fast time flies

2010-04-24T11:59:00.002+08:00

i don't even know how this happened. but in what seems to be a blink of an eye, the alpha boy and i celebrated our first year anniversary last night.

it's kinda a first for both of us. he's my first real relationship and even though i'm not his first girlfriend, i'm his longest and pretty much his first real proper relationship.

we had dinner at a japanese buffet restaurant which was lovely and then watched date night. we even took some pictures which says a lot since we're not really the picture taking type. the funniest thing was that we somehow managed to get each other just bout the same anniversary card. the cards were different but they were designed by the same person. and let's just say this isn't a popular brand of card with heaps of designs.

all in all it was a rather low-key but special night which i suppose is kinda just what kind of a couple we are.

and this is all i will say...

2010-04-08T16:46:00.002+08:00

a bird in hand is better than two in the bush.

not that i have two in the bush. maybe one. and it's not like i even know that i will have that bird in the bush turn into a bird in hand. or that i will even want to have that bird in hand.

though it's sorta nice to be able to think that you could perhaps have that possibility. almost makes you feel more validated of some sorts. and if nothing, i guess it just provides some entertainment.

but really, how long can one have that bird in the bush before the bird eventually just flies away?